No Escape

No Escape:

yet here I am - and I find myself with no escape, no option to a avoid a certain suffering, just accepting, allowing, and to let even my denial belong. Of course this is the last place I wish to be, here, unwell after a lifetime of care and healthful practice. I will do all I'm able to heal, to be strong...to continue. But here I am, feeling broken, scared and scarred by something unseen. 

there's no escape from this moment.

and I'll try, the mind is often an unreasonable thing, bargaining for another option, anything but what's now and what looms uncertain. I will bargain and deny. I will go through every stage of self-grief. It's what the mind does. In the end, whatever the end, it will be exactly as it is. No amount of denial will change this, no wishful thoughts, nor magic pills. 

here I am, always, until the very end. 

there's no escape from hear, from wherever I find myself and from whatever is happening now - yes, there's healing, there's change, and sometimes even miracles. Life is motion after all. But what I deal with is right now, this instant of struggle and sadness, pain, and even anger. This isn't where I wish to be. 

yet here I am. 

it's here, only and always. I will deal with this instant, nothing more - even as my mind rushes forward and dreams of past. It all belongs right now. 

And that's where find myself, knowing that all I wish wasn't present - is. Each moment I will try and heal. I will care and tend to health and my sorrow. I will do what I can to heal. Yet here I am, and I have no idea where that may lead. Uncertainty too belongs to the moment. 

everything does. 

~

Peace, sincerely, Eric