Struggle

Struggle: 

my writing seldom focuses on my past issues with alcohol, barely mentioned that I can recall, and only a few times that it was actually the topic featured. On other creative outlets I talk about it frequently and often at length. Yet writing, for me, somehow seems more intimate and personal, as if I'm committing long held secrets to the page and should only allow certain themes to be shared. I'm often asked to share more of my past issues, as maybe others will be able to learn from experience and struggles. 

I'm embarrassed to write though, of how little I truly struggled. 

yes, I could easily have been classified an alcoholic, drinking daily and in excess, solely to be drunk and, at least in my thinking then, have a good time. There was no struggle with this, my social life was a large focus, I was committed to bars and drinking and the friends that shared a similar lifestyle. I felt engaged with others, even through my haze of drink soaked thinking. I also had a remarkable knack of shrugging off every bad quality and aspect that surfaced, my often irresponsible and self-centered behavior excused by the pursuit of excess alcohol and having a good time. 

there was no struggle here. 

only selfishness and stupidity. 

entirely my own. 

so I wrecked cars and relationships with equal regard, hurting others in the wake, seldom pausing to truly care. But I never struggled, because if I slowed down enough to really consider my life, the ugliness would come rushing forward unchecked, overwhelming me, and everything would need to change. Then, indeed there would be a struggle. 

I wasn't ready for that. 

until I was. 

and then alcohol, and bars, and a large degree of selfish behavior...

were simply gone. 

it was an epiphany of sorts. 

or maybe grace. 

undeserved of course. 

an event occurred, nothing tragic, but enough to have me consider my entire life before - a break in my current thinking appeared and provided me an opportunity to simply step into a new direction. For some reason, again, maybe grace, I did, and never once looked back to reconsider. In a single moment I was reborn as someone free from drinking and the lifestyle that it held. I was done, no struggle to quit, no meetings or relapse.

just done. 

and I have no idea how any of this happened. 

so it's difficult to write about. 

why do I deserve this grace when so many others were lost in their struggle for a better life? I'm not sure there is an answer, I certainly have none, other than I was ripe for change. My entire life had brought me to this point, an undercurrent of struggle never realized before and it finally broke me open to it's flow. 

for whatever reason...

I was ready. 

truthfully, I had always hid from struggle, masking it, not ready to confront it until life took away my every other option. Alcohol was never really my struggle, nor even my true addiction. My thoughts were, I was addicted to a certain way of thinking, and I was unable to break free from its hold. 

until I was. 

again, maybe it was grace. 

but I was given a clear moment, an instant when my every previous belief disappeared and that undercurrent of struggle broke through and carried an entire lifetime away. For whatever reason...I was free. Not from struggle, nor any sorrow or sense of suffering, but from my own addiction of believing my every thought  and belief were true. 

I was free to reconsider. 

and everything has changed. 

Peace, Eric