Colder

Colder: 

fall has settled in now, my earliest walks are in chill air and it takes a bit longer for my body to adjust to these cooler mornings. I know that winter is not so far off, steadily approaching and the chill will turn to a bitter cold and make some of these walks close to unbearable for me. It's not so much the temperature, I can bundle warm and brace against the cold, warming as I walk more briskly. What concerns me is the underlying presence of a mild depression, not seasonal, but often triggered by the weather, made worse by the shorter days of sunlight. 

winter is just a harder season for me, for many of us who experience depression. 

I recently watched a clip posted on social media where someone stated that he doesn't believe in depression, that it's imagined and the person who suffers only need to move more often, eat better, think happier thought, and above all - be more stoic. This actually isn't unfamiliar advice to me, it's how I've long approached my situations and some of it has helped ease me through no small amount of my darker days. Yet it's odd to hear someone say that don't believe in depression, or to be given advice from one who might not understand the severity of this condition. 

it's never easy. 

but someday's are easier than others. 

in colder seasons, those days are often few.

through the years depression has settled in and made itself comfortable here, it's not going away and I no longer seek to chase it from my experience. It's a familiar guest, unsuspected in visits or length of stay, but one that no longer floors me by surprise. Somehow, even on the coldest mornings, I find it easier to maneuver around its edge, not attempting to keep it at bay, but simply noting its presence, perhaps softening to its inevitable visit. Really, it's somewhat of a surrender, letting go of an urge to fight or flee, settling in to its approach and not denying that my days might be more difficult now, harder in many ways. 

especially when it's colder. 

for whatever reason, or maybe it's the many points of my practice, meditation, breathwork, yoga - it's somewhat easier now, never easy, but I'm long familiar with this presence and I'm able to welcome a guest that makes life more difficult for me. 

no matter how long it might stay.

or even that it's uninvited. 

~

Peace, Eric