My Preference

My preference:

to have my preference, an opinion on any matter found at hand - this all I'm ever, truly allowed, as life itself is without care for my circumstance or pleasure. Yet this is far from somber news, that the universe is indifferent to me demands frees me to accept any present situation even as I offer my complaint or wish for things to be other than they are right now. This acceptance isn't passive, but an active role in clearly viewing each moment as it occurs, finding myself here, without escape from whatever's now unfolding, a participant with life at play. 

my past mistake, so it seems at least, was believing in my own control of life, that I was separate from events with some clear, singular course of purpose. When life took turns of benefit, I praised myself for good fortune and wise choices, and just as easily questioned my wisdom, my intelligence, berated myself for every failure, if my desire wasn't met. Life was a tumultuous ride of inconsistencies, events far beyond control were given merit to my worth. It's how many of us navigate through life, with too much belief that we are master of a certain destiny, manifesting through force of will for things to be just right, and left wondering at our loss when life fails to turn that way. 

here's the thing, life's always in charge.

also,

we're never found apart from life, not separate from events, but full, active participants of its motion. This is true power, real, belonging to a force far greater than the imagined scope of will. Each moment is my acceptance, and by this I mean that I am embraced completely by the flow of life, a sacred, holy inclusion of all I am, from pettiness to grand gestures, my every thought and act belong so intimately to the whole, dear to the point that only this moment ever truly exists, just this, here, belonging, belonging...

always. 

of course I have my preference for life to be a certain way, choices made and actions taken - I have hope that life will flow to my design, matching dreams and plans. But I know it's full of unexpected turns, moments of sorrow, decisions I'll regret, true and deep suffering will occur. Life will offer me everything it holds and that's the price paid for my inclusion. There is no choice available here, not in this belonging, only my preference, and even this is seen more clearly now. What's really happening, every moment, truly, is a surrender - life carries on, flowing, and I am carried too within its power. With this...even my preference is dissolved. 

~

Peace, Eric