Without Need

Without need: 

without need of explanation - everything belongs as it does, simply and for reasons of their own appearance. Life doesn't offer apologies, what occurs is the only ever way that things could unfold and there is no real argument otherwise. Of course we will debate this, second guess ourselves and each event that seemingly turns against us. Yet no argument will ever change the past course that has led to this moment. 

it's here, we always find ourselves.

reminding myself of this, of where I find myself right now, who I am - and it seems important to the accept this moment as it's offered, just this, no more until the next instant seamlessly arrives. There are many questions that make their way to me, doubts, and even blame. I find myself wishing to have been a better caretaker, a more caring son, and at least another thousand thoughts rush to lay their claim of guilt and fault. This is where I find myself, here, and no escape. 

and of course there's no other possible place to be, the course of life and apparent choices have brought me to this moment. I meet it all directly, without need of explanation. To properly grieve has little to do with acceptance of the past, nor mourning a future that will not include what's now gone. That's all a process that always, and can only, leave me here, alone with the company of those thousand haunting questions. Yet life doesn't ask me to deal with this by revisiting past event, replaying lost scenario's  with a wish of doing better. I am asked only to be present, and if this moment seems filled by questions, doubt, memories of situations wished different - than this is what I sit with, allowing, nothing pushed away, no explanations needed. This is what the moment holds, and I won't do battle with myself, adding to my grief with an internal struggle of what belongs versus what I believe doesn't. I sit with it all, present, because there is nowhere else to possibly be. 

just here,

without need of explanation.

things settle, it's the wisdom of being present, not seeking an escape. Perhaps a thousand questions still remain, maybe doubt continuous with its visits, but everything settles to a calm known only to this moment. This is where I find myself, always here, always present. Nothing needs to be chased away, refused entry to the moment, no explanations are needed. What's present, is now accepted, even as I wish for something other. It's a paradox, yes, and with this...

things begin to settle. 

~

Peace, Eric