Brokenness

Brokenness: 

with healing on my mind - and my inquiry is to look not for what seems broken, not for wounds, nor trauma left behind, but for the need that calls for my repair, the urgent voice that says my current state is simply not enough, and that the world demands my being better than I am right now. My question is why is my brokenness not enough? 

this isn't about answers though, it's an inquiry into grief, of deep sadness that doesn't ever seem to fully surrender its hold, of all our common aches and shared sorrows. Of course no one wants to suffer and the wish to heal is one to honor. Yet what if there is no better? Would what we are, right now, be enough to be accepted by the world? 

could we accept ourselves? 

so much of my life has been based on believing that I needed to be better than I was at any given time, denying my own deep sadness, my sense of never being whole, complete and belonging in the world. I offered a front of humor, the illusion of control, and spent a lifetime wishing to be healed. Yet at some point there seemed to be a surrender, a letting go of beliefs that held me to standards other than my own. I was healed of my wish of needing to be healed. 

it's not simply accepting things as they are, never striving for relief of pain, nor giving in to the struggle caused by any condition that brings harm. It's just knowing that all of this belongs right now, that our brokenness is complete within the whole, and in no way are we separate from this completeness. This is the point that we surrender to - that we are allowed our pain even as we seek escape, our sorrow belongs without excuse nor need of being altered, that our brokenness is present within the vast expanse of who we really are...

with this, 

there is no healing.

just being. 

~

Peace, Eric