Of my Smile

Of my smile: 

yesterday morning I lost a slight portion of my smile and large part of my day as I sat in a hospital, multiple test, ruling out the possibility of a stroke and confirming a case of Bell's Palsy. The left side of my face literally won't smile. The vision in my left eye is a little off too, blurred, and weirdly, I'm unable to wink with my right eye, as my left won't cooperate to help make this happen. Drinking and eating is just a little more difficult, but I should be able to manage. Oh, and I can't whistle, a small loss, but I seem to miss it, or at least being able to. A round or two of the proper medication should be able to knock this out of my system, a few weeks, possibly several months.

it's odd that I miss the feel of my smile, something I don't believe I've given much thought to over the years, or ever maybe. It has me considering the infinite things I most likely take for granted, such as the ease of eating an apple, which is considerably more difficult for me know. Even drinking my morning cup of coffee as I write this requires a degree of mindfulness not present before. This will prove to be an interesting time. 

so the smile that remains is crooked, lopsided, not bad really, but certainly not my usual, not my old and familiar expression of joy. It feels off, not wrong, just not mine. At least for now, and perhaps by the time I'm used to it the medication and some therapy work will have helped to return my own. I seem to miss it more than my regular vision, which is strange as the blurriness robs of some of most cherished time, only being able to read for shorter periods before it becomes to difficult to focus. But I still have a few moments through the day that allow me to capture a paragraph or two.

yet I do miss the familiar feel of my smile.

odd that I should focus on that. 

but not really maybe, smiling is such a gentle action, joyful, and generally comes invoked by beauty, small things of comfort, the presence of another. Right now I am half smiling at the thought of this, all the beautiful things surrounding me now, little miracles occurring, that life carries on and allows me this deep appreciation. Honestly, there is no half smile, my heart is full of wonder and gratitude and it shows through the slight lift of my right side. 

and that feels familiar. 

~

Peace, Eric