Eight Years and One More Lesson

Eight years ago on this day my mother passed away, one breath was all that stood between her and death, and once taken - she was gone. I think about that often, that one and final breath, wondering about my own last inhalation and release. My mother struggled with Alzheimer's for quite sometime before her death. I had the good fortune and sadness to be one of her caregivers - it was an apprenticeship of grace, with many lessons learned and relearned of patience, the tenderness of hurt, and the daily grief of witnessing a loved one lose themselves in a haze of past and present. It never stopped hurting, for any of us. 

But I wonder now if my mother suffered. She was cared for with great love, my father seldom ever left her side and my brother and sister were a constant presence. Her needs were met, none us ever stopped relating to her as person, there was always respect for who she was and remained. I certainly witnessed moments of fear, her clear forgetfulness of self and the rush to reclaim a memory, any memory that would anchor her to the present - but so often, once this was let go there was a true calm and peace to what she found right within the present moment. 

She let go. 

Eight years gone now and I think about that letting go - my own struggle to find a sense of peace in a chaotic world, my spiritual pursuit of a surrendering self and ego, searching for a profound understanding that would lead me to a place of freedom. My mother let go, each moment of confusion she found herself in she let go, it was utterly without hope, but done with a faith that only true surrender can bring. She wasn't giving up, there was no fight or grasp to hold onto a single thing, it was just a letting go into the present - and all that might contain. Here, into her surrender, it was okay for worlds to collide, for past to be alive within this very instant, and no need to be otherwise. It was enough for her to be right now. 

So eight years and I think I finally get it. 

It's always a time of letting go. 

There's always grace in our surrender. 

And there is no need for me to be other than exactly what I am right now. 

I get it.

Thank you mom - for one more lesson. 

~

Peace,

Eric