Between The Pieces

 Between the pieces:

sometimes I break, infinitely shattered by the impact of a force unknown, and showing little of my depression to the world. Of late there's been anxiety attacks in the middle of the night, shaken from sleep in a dead heat panic and unable to flee or fight. I sit with it, I pace, breathing patterns altered to help bring a semblance of returning peace. It happens. Sometimes several nights a week now. There's also an always near low weight sadness that seems to lurk, stalk, my everyday. I don't hide it, but I function fairly well through it's presence, smiling even, laughing, and not forced in offering a brave face - it's simply part of how my life is expressed, not chosen, just here, present, and my life goes on. Sometimes I break, and all I can do is rest between the pieces. 

you've been broken too, whoever's reading this now, life has brought you low and maybe to the point where it seems unreachable to a bare minimum of what may bring comfort. I'm sorry. Nothing I write will be helpful, but please know that there's a presence to these words, someone simply offering some space to share - our own place-less belonging, together here. 

this isn't a self-help piece, it's not offered as a showing of how I beat depression, overcome anxiety, and abide in peaceful understanding. Sometimes I break and stay broken until the pieces find their own way to bring themselves together. I don't overcome anything. Some will need medication, help from those trained in mending what seems broken. Perhaps I do too. It's been offered. But mostly, I find myself dealing with what appears in the moments that they come, that this is what life offers now, and for long stretches of time I'm genuinely happy with what arrives. Until I'm not. Then it's different, of course, and I find some useful methods that have helped me through before - mostly though I don't seek an escape route from the moment. It's not about accepting, that's already been done the very instant whatever's happening appears. This is about belonging - and what I offer myself is the compassion that I belong completely to this moment, nothing needs to be altered, life does that on it's own. My role is to simply break when that seems the only option, to bring a tenderness to what's found between the pieces, knowing that the mending too happens on its own. I've come to this point after years wanting something other, and things always being just the same. Life has brought to a present understanding. 

so I greet you from between the pieces, knowing that we share this space together. All I offer is company, bringing my own tenderness to what you hold. 

I love you, Eric