Questioning

Questioning: 

it's referred to as the hard problem of consciousness, questioning why some physical matter is found to be conscious while others are not, and to what degree do we believe this to be so - how is it that a tree gains a certain sense of awareness rather than the earth and air of its home? Or that a bird nesting in the tree's branches is even more conscious still? There is much scientific and philosophical debate on this issue, with religion weighing in as well. Of course no answer satisfies all, and really, no answer is offered that is widely regarded as being sure and true. 

some believe it will never be clearly answered and explained. 

it wasn't so long ago that we believed animals weren't truly conscious, even our beloved pets didn't have an inner life but operated purely through behaviorism, simply by instincts long acquired in order to survive. We now know better, or science does, as anyone with a beloved pet knew this all along and never needed it confirmed. There was no questioning involved, ever, only a relationship based solely on an equal love, different yes, expressed through the lens of completely different minds, but still a bond between two very conscious beings. I have two cats and a dog that prove this to me often. To what degree should this love be questioned, how far down do we trust the bond of our connections? 

some consider this a hard problem indeed. 

so can we bring consciousness down to a chemical function? Or is it innate through all matter, a deep function of earth and soul, with the universe itself fully self aware? Another important question is if I'm even qualified to search for answers, is the inquiry purely scientific, meant to be examined and eventually solved only in a lab? My thoughts on this is that I am conscious, self aware, and certainly capable of exploring my own existence, taking inquiry and meditation deeply to the edge of this line of questioning and offering my own views on what it is I've found. 

and this is what I know for certain...

absolutely nothing. 

consciousness is as far as I can go, it's all I'm capable of knowing. 

that's it. 

it's not a hard problem, not for me at least, as it doesn't matter how consciousness arises, through whatever chemical or biological means, my consciousness becomes involved as soon is it's first noted. Somehow, it's all found to be a seamless transition, from nothingness to now-here, alive, and aware. Consciousness is built into the very fabric of the universal structure by virtue of my own self recognition. It's impersonal, only loaned for my brief appearance here, and eventually surrendered. Does it reappear? Is there awareness beyond my individual existence? Yes, but it's not mine, not in anyway that I would recognize as my own - it's just the universe continuing what it's doing, providing the means of its own conscious exploration, evolving, experiencing itself through every possible expression. 

or at least that's my theory. 

beyond my own conscious exploration...

nothing is certain. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Boltzmann Brain

Boltzmann brain: 

in fact anyone of us could be a Boltzmann brain, it's actually more likely than the formation of the universe we know take for granted as our home, and if that's the case we might all be figments of someone else's imagination. It's something to consider. This is topic that fascinates me but is also well beyond my capability to truly understand and my writing will never do the science justice, and honestly I won't even really try to do so - I'm not a science writer after all, thinking of myself as more of a poet, lyrical prose with a spiritual bent being my main consideration. And indeed, if the Boltzmann brain scenario is true, than I am my own best and only audience. 

what it is - is a thought experiment. 

again, I won't be able to do the science justice, but the line of thought suggest that statistically, it is more likely for single brain to spontaneously form in a void, along with its memories of a full and meaningful life, than it is for the universe to have appeared exactly as it seems to have done. That's the Boltzmann brain, named after Austrian physicist Ludwig Boltzmann, and it isn't a theory that cosmologist suggest is likely, even thought the statistics show it certainly could be so, but it's used as a thought experiment to test the line of reasoning within he given laws of thermodynamics. It's here that the science loses me, being to complicated for me to understand let alone write of, mostly concerning entropy, random fluctuations of particles, and heat death of the universe. 

fortunately, I'm not writing about science, or even Boltzmann's brain. 

what I'm here to suggest is that grace plays a role in all of the above, no matter how the universe first appeared, or the likelihood of our existence - we are here now, reality supports us even if we're a Boltzmann brain that spontaneously came to be, false memories and all, we're alive in some unique and truly fortunate way. That's the thing with statistics, no matter the chance occurrence, it's always Shiva's game, a roll of dice for an entire universe to present itself or again to disappear, or not exist at all. None of it is for our control, the dice are never in our hands, it's always Shiva's play. 

so with grace in mind, I find myself truly grateful for the life that exist right now, how all the possibilities suggest that none of this should even ever be, and yet somehow, it is, and I am an essential part of it's reality. If I am a Boltzmann brain, than this is all a dream of my existence, an entire universe created just to know myself, and more so, that it's all dreamed to know you. 

I am fortunate indeed. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Holds Everything Together

Holds everything together: 

my interest right now is in what holds everything together, specifically, what is it that draws things like molecules, atoms, particles  to gather in a particular order that becomes the baseline of my existence. This isn't so much a question of science, I understand the attraction and bonding of particles that gives form to atoms, and further on to the chemical bond that creates molecules, well, no, I don't really understand, but I can rely on the information of science to explain it all extremely well, almost to the point of my understanding. Science is wonderful in this detail, through this keen investigation and applying what's been learned we have gained the modern world. 

truly a marvel.

but what is the first cause of this attraction? 

what holds everything together? 

science tells us that there are four fundamental forces of nature, gravity, electromagnetism, the weak nuclear force, and the strong nuclear force. These four forces govern how certain particles and objects will interact and bond with each other, and also the point of their decay, when things will no longer hold a specific form. I won't play scientist here and attempt to explain any of this, it's well beyond my writing skills as well as my ability to understand this concept. It's also not the main area of my interest right now, I'm not concerned so much with scientific details, although fascinating, my thoughts are drawn more towards whatever it is that wishes for these things to bond.

what gives cause to this attraction? 

and by cause I don't mean an explanation of continuous effects to some final point of action, I'm not looking towards science as a philosophical tool to reach an ultimate understanding of the universe. Nor do I believe that religion holds the answer, although all three, science, philosophy and religion give hints as to what might be proven true. Honestly, I'm not so sure there is an understandable answer, at least not in a way that can be formulated to satisfy any of those three branches of thought and investigation. But I think we might know on some deep, deep level, cellular, more so the very particles of our existence, we understand the fundamental force of love. 

it's what holds everything together. 

this isn't a sentimental love, it's not a love between objects, it is the basis for objects to exist, the first cause of every interaction. Fortunately I'm not a scientist and there's no reason for me to provide any proof to support this. It's not really a claim, nor even a theory. But it's also not just mere speculation, going further than that, an investigation into soul, consciousness, our own sense of being and existence. This is the same place where all answer is found, the intuitive voice that whisper theories and equations, inspires great philosophical reasoning and religious stories, giving beautiful ideas to every poet and artist. This is the realm between things, it's the place of their arrival, where first particles come from - it's what holds everything together. 

for lack of any other word that even comes close to its description...

it's love. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Call It Soul

We'll call it soul: 

this is about soul, making a case for it's existence, an argument that some essence, a force, and here we'll call it soul -  holds us to this specific structure of cells, molecules, atoms, particles and further to an absolute void. That somehow, and all from a collection of these infinitesimally small parts swirling through the vast emptiness of the cosmos, we find that we exist, we're aware, and providing some meaning to the world. 

and here, we'll call it soul.

but this isn't a claim of anything ever lasting, not in a personal sense at least, that information is beyond our ken, or it is mine, and I suspect it's a mystery not soon, if ever solved. Mystics call it divine and leave it mostly undefined, without need for details that satisfy the mind. Science, so far, has no use for it, being barely a consideration and leave it to philosophers and theologians to ponder. And for them it's mostly theories, speculation, stories. It's the mystics and yogis that fascinate me, their deep dive within this impersonal mystery for information the defines them as a person, more so, that hints of what they truly are beyond the limits of personality and body. 

they're exploration of the soul. 

science tells us that their are four fundamental forces of nature, this is what holds the world together, governing everything that happens in the universe. There is gravity, weak force, electromagnetism, and the strong force. This is a fascinating collection of forces, and the science is way past my limited understanding and ability to describe. It amazes me the secrets that science has uncovered, continuing to do so, and yet still never arriving to a reason why - we simply have no idea why the universe arranges itself in such a fashion that we find ourselves alive, aware, and participating in its story. Mystics and science agree that this all a mystery. 

but here...we'll call it soul. 

without need of qualifications or description. 

it's enough to be alive, aware, existing by this grace of mystery. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Not Chasing

Not Chasing: 

meditation offers many gifts and the questions that's often asked, in some circles anyway, is if awakening is one of these gifts, does it lead to an ultimate letting go of an ego dominant belief system that seems to rule our world - does meditation bring us to enlightenment? The ancient yogis who first sat in meditation certainly believed so, to be liberated from Samsara, the endless wheel of life, death, and the suffering in between was to be the end result of their practice. My own thoughts are a bit more aligned with the Zen Master Dogen, who likened meditation itself to awakening, an expression of our innate Buddha nature already found present in the very fabric of existence. Mostly though, I'll leave it to others to debate the issue, it doesn't really matter much to me as I'm not chasing liberation. 

meditation is simply a joy to me.

it was actually my practice that brought an end to any pursuit of awakening, not that I abandoned it in any formal sense, or achieved anything that caused me to consider myself enlightened. Truthfully, it was just no longer a point of interest, meditation engaged in deeply, the joy of sitting and the creativity that followed were and are enough for me. As Dogen claimed, the moment of my sitting was enlightenment itself, there was no concerns other than breath and mantra and even these were eventually let go to the simplicity of just being who I am. 

completely so. 

really, enlightenment was never really my goal, I'm not chasing liberation, nor interested in debating the merits of my practice. Meditation has many gifts to offer but only to those who have an interest to discover them and not everyone is called to do so. There are other means to open some of these gifts, breathwork for stress reduction, cultivating a sense of gratitude to help us appreciate the present moment a bit more, journaling to foster the flow of creativity and bring insight to our lives. Meditation is just one means to realize these gifts, they're by-products to my sitting. 

but the true gift is simply the joy of meditation. 

it's here, sitting, mantra softly let go, breath barely a whisper past my lips, and there is no issue of pursuit, no sense of chasing liberation, just the joy of sitting, there's not even a trace of anyone actually meditating - only presence found...

 with no one here to claim it. 

~

Peace, Eric 

All of It's A Story

All of it's a story: 

and did it actually happen, did the Big Bang really occur exactly as scientist say? How about atoms and particles, and even smaller things such as quarks and the vibrations of infinitesimally tiny strings that bring the entire universe into existence - do they exist? Or is it all just a story told of creation, another myth only with a scientific understanding and credentials? I'm not a science denier, not even a little, I believe in the proven facts presented by scientist through the ages, adding on to theories with growing information, learning more and having their views altered through this process. Yet ultimately, all of it's a story, mainly true, yes, but a story just the same. 

cosmologist Carl Sagan wisely stated that extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence, and to say that the biggest ideas in science are simply stories is indeed a bold assertion and I make it without a shred of evidence to back my claim. I'm not a scientist, and I have nothing to prove, offering no theories to counter what science says is true. I believe what credible scientist say and it would be ridiculous for me to argue counter to their claims from my limited point of view. 

still, all of it's a story. 

by this I mean that what's discovered, labeled, charted and presented as scientific facts is simply what's occurring, it's life, fascinatingly shown, but only a glimpse of an infinitely larger reality that's yet to be known. A molecule isn't a thing, it's not a separate entity existing apart from atoms, which in turn consist of particles, and further to the very basic vibrations of creation. We know all of this, and even more, an entire universe mapped out with incredible detail and information. But what we see is parts, items, and we give them names, describe their actions and interactions, assigning them qualities though our language - stories in other words. We tell their stories. 

without these words, with no labels, no stories told, everything happens on it's own, seamlessly, spontaneously, reality simply...is. There's really no such thing as an atom, it's a gathering of other aspects of reality, information given from particles and vibrations and then continued on through molecules and cells. There's no real language to adequately describe this and the best we do is stories and this serves us almost impossibly well, our daily lives so incredibly enriched by what they tell. 

but it's all a story just the same. 

reality itself is seamless, whole, a mystery that's forever told in parts. But it's always expressed, lived, through the simplicity of being, it's what occurring right now, vibrant, without need of any story. It's what we are, seamless, whole, a mystery too. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Transcendence

Transcendence: 

it's transcendence, and every moment holds this grace, just an easy recognition that the world holds more than the present felt reality, a largeness that invites our stay even if only for an instant. We don't transcend the ordinary world, the truth is that it's all extraordinary, magical, changing right before us. What's transcended is our place in the world, our view is traded from looking outwards to a more direct participation, going from a place of insular seclusion to belonging fully to everything that's found. It's simply engaging more deeply with the present moment...

 intimately so.

and mostly it occurs through grace, happening spontaneously on it's own, a glimpse at first and then our view expands as we grow to recognize that all of reality is our true nature, no part excluded. That's how we awaken it seems, suddenly, and yet it's often felt to be in stages, a moment of clear seeing and then a slow expansion of a greater sense of what we truly are.

transcendence.

but ultimately, everything's happening now, at once.

with nothing to transcend.

really this is just a play of words here, thoughts on an indescribable instant arranged in lyrical form, creative licence given for sake of morning's worth of writing. Everything is transcendence in a certain way, nature, reality, a constant motion of particles transcending their vibrational sense to gather as an atom which in turns attracts to others for am even larger state, gathering as form in creation of the world. Some moments we are graced to intuitively know this, deeply so, a transcendence of small beliefs to a grander of who we are...it's ordinary, happening every moment. 

yet extraordinary, magical, just the same. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Science Is Our Story

Science is our story:

science, in its way, is for me a form of spirituality, a deep inquiry into factual encounters with reality, or at least the aspects of reality that deal with structure and form, matters that concern the pursuit of mystery for answers that satisfy the mind. I enjoy reading science books, articles, listening to talks given by scientist on the leading edge of experiments and breakthroughs. All of it stirs something deep within me, not so much an urge to know and understand the subject, but more of a desire to place myself fully within the information presented, and that what I'm really hearing is the story of myself told in scientific language, how I am described through the study of cells and molecules, particles and vibrations, earth and the creation of the universe at large. It's all my story, ours, we're not removed from the description of these mysteries. Science is our story, every aspect a chapter telling who we truly are. 

my father was a science teacher, geology a particular love, but every branch held his curiosity. Through his very last days we talked of our shared interest, a bedside conversation on the planet and stars, physics and the mysteries of the quantum world. I think he would like my interest in expressing the common bond of scientific thought and the nature of being, which is really just another term for spirituality. I'm fairly certain that he would think I'm reaching here, attempting to join two fields of love and interest, but he would encourage me none the less, curious to hear my reasoning.

so I always write with him in mind, guiding me, a gentle encouragement to continue. 

but of course I'm not a science writer, everything I write of is really fiction in a way. What I strive for is beauty, prose, lyrical, to simply tell my present story in some poetic form. Often it concerns science and I give facts based upon my understanding, and as this is a personal blog, these facts are entwined within my story, science becomes my self description, another language of reality and soul. For me, the two are seamlessly expressed, easily told as being just another aspect of my existence. 

science is our story, mysterious, lyrical and seamless in description. 

my aim is to express this with as few words as possible, perhaps spark a bit of curiosity, to encourage others to tell their version of our story. 

and so that is what I write of...

nothing more. 

~

Peace, Eric 

The Penrose Number

it's called the Penrose Number, an equation really, 10^10^23, and its simplicity in appearance belays the impossibility that it represents - these are the odds in which the likelihood of the universe coming into existence in a way that would develop and support life as nearly mathematically impossible. This is the equation of a miracle. Mathematician and physicist Roger Penrose formulated this equation and by all accounts it is sound and fully checks out theoretically, Penrose won a Noble prize and was a close associate of Stephen Hawkins, so his credentials are unmatched. To better understand what this number represents we need to to know just how unlikely it places the odds of our existence, it's almost a zero probability, and it's been described that if we took each zero from this number and wrote it on an atom there wouldn't be enough in the entire universe to express its actual value. 

what we're told here is the Big Bang never should have happened.

or that we've defied the greatest odds by our existence. 

honestly, I can't really wrap my mind around the Penrose Number, it's too large, too complex for my limited understanding. To be even more honest, most physics and pretty much all math is beyond me, although I'm fascinated by their challenge. Yet the Penrose Number challenges me in a different way, I'm trying to understand its mathematical value, or weighing its truth against the generally accepted theory of the Big Bang - for me it's all a mystery, marvelously so, no matter how the universe's story is told. I love the impossible odds here, I mean literally impossible, that there is just no likely way that we should be here in a life sustaining world. 

how does carbon turn to life?

and more so, become conscious of its own existence? 

the Penrose Number calculates a miracles, and I'm not sure if that was it's intention. What I believe is that Penrose was searching for another viable explanation for the universe's beginning, that he wondered at the odds of conditions being absolutely just so for the Big Bang to occur and a life producing universe to follow. 10^10^23 is his exact calculations, his number that best represents the odds of our existence. It's truly amazing, and for some it gives cause to question the likelihood of the Big Bang ever having happened, at least in the way currently accepted. I'm not smart enough to question that, nor am I interested in doing so - every story of the universe's origins fascinates me, from the science of cosmology to Genesis and creation of first light. It's all a description of a miracle, proving curiosity and inspiration for my own, personal deep dive into the mystery of my existence. 

I don't take these odds lightly, the Penrose Number is truly meaningful to me. 

no matter how the universe came to be, whatever odds defied, or the likelihood of carbon somehow evolving to the point of conscious understanding - I am here, alive, aware, and so fully engaged with life, participating in unfolding. The Penrose Number gives me the important reminder of how fortunate I am indeed, defying every odd to simply be here. 

I take none of this for granted. 

being blessed by this existence. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Air

Air:

air, by definition a mixture of tasteless, odorless gases, mainly nitrogen, oxygen and argon, with water vapor playing a role in providing a slim degree of mass, and trace gases accounting for the remainder of it's composition. Our own account is more personal, it's the breath, inspired, drawn and returned in a ceaseless practice sustaining life. Air is our surrounding, pressed against us, defining our existence through the space that it provides. 

and yet it's hardly given notice.

this morning I found myself thinking of the atmosphere, that we are blessed by these gases, protected, as thy are retained by earth's gravity to provide the quality of air for breathing and serve with pressure to allow water to exist in liquid form. This was a process of evolution, the early atmosphere wasn't yet ready to support our present lives. Through many factors the atmosphere evolved to suit us, support our needs of breath, water, as well as protect us form the more harmful light of the sun. It amazes me to consider the evolution of air, coinciding with our own development, earth itself in conspiracy for life to be a certain way. Science calls this random chance, so many influences coming into play to create these perfect conditions for life to be - I prefer to think of it as evolution, again a conspiracy of earth and air together in creation, shifting through eons, an experiment that brought us into its creative fold, vital to the mix. We are part of a planetary evolution, an aspect of divine creation. 

holy...by breath and air.

by divine I don't mean otherworldly, but that right now we are in process of creation, evolving not just as individuals, or as a species, no, the entire earth is involved, every aspect, from air to mantle, soil, grass, forest, mountains and oceans, Everything's involved. It's one evolution. We can take this even further back to original creation, how the Big Bang was simply raw primordial existence in desire to know itself as more. This is the cosmology of evolution, and everything belongs, no aspect of the universe can possibly be excluded. And this too includes our own conscious understanding, that we are aware, awakening to the role we play within this evolution. There's a greater intelligence here that we are part of, integral to it, providing ourselves as an aware aspect of the whole. 

it's all evolving, everything, the universe, earth, air...

through every breath taken. 

~ 

Peace, Eric 

Poised From The Edge

Poised from the edge: 

some mornings I have no idea of what's to be written, no hint of theme nor inspiration, only the emptiness of the page before me, open, available to whatever ideas might find me. This is at once overwhelming in its task ahead, as well as full of promise - that anything could be written, beauty expressed, deep meaning found, and it's all right at my fingertips now, poised on the edge of an empty page. 

waiting for ideas to find me. 

in times past I would suffer the anxiety of this wait, experiencing writer's block for weeks on end, searching for any trick that might key my inspiration. I never realized then that silence was the process, that to be poised on the edge of emptiness meant that I was ready for the entirety of the universe to be expressed through me, anything at all, everything, my fingertips touched this edge and found their potential in the void. But being frightened I would back away, not knowing that silence is the only true way of inspiration and that to wait for ideas is a gift to the soul, a time to match the emptiness of the page with my own capacity to hold whatever themes appear. 

that's how writing happens, poised on the edge of emptiness...

seeing my reflection. 

and writing from here. 

it's not so frightening any longer, I'm more patient now, unafraid to sit at length in silence. Peering from the edge I've found my own reflection, void finding void and realizing myself as capacity for words, inspiration, more so, the entire world appears here, right at my fingertips - 

ready to be written. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Extra moment of light: 

soon, the days will begin to grow longer again, barely noticeable at first, just an extra moment of light given to my winter. This always feels so important to me, symbolic, that even with the coldest days still ahead there is right now the first stir of spring, however slight, my days lengthening towards that deep shade of wooded green and the bright color of a flower's blossom, life renewed, warm, inviting. 

This used to bring me a sense of hope, lightening a depression that becomes darker with these shorter days, my frame of mind matched to the brief length of light. I could hold to the thought that each day was now a little longer, a bit more light given to heal, spring ever closer. Yet these days I have a new appreciation for winter, almost a love, even as it remains a struggle. In the midst of coldest days, through darkness of season as well as my spirit - I'm given an extra moment of light, a sliver, but it's enough to illuminate the presence of winter, that it belongs here, serving in a purpose of renewal. Winter isn't the end of the year, that's only an occasion marked by calendars and the mind. Season's themselves are timeless, a current of change, motion. My former mindset kept me trapped within a block of time, imprisoned by what felt to be the cruelness of a season, bitterly cold and brittle.   

something changed, shifted, perhaps that extra moment of light expanded within me. 

yes, winter still affects me, my depression deepens with the shorter, cold days - but there no longer seems to be the reliance of hope, yearning for a warmth and light that isn't present. Winter offers me something too, my own hibernation from wishing for things that are now so far away. This is the season of cold, often bitterly so, trees are barren, flowers withdrawn from their reach towards the sun. It's what I have right now, sometimes feeling barren as well, withdrawn, but it's all somehow perfectly accepted. This is my season, for now at least, and those extra moments of light remind me that everything is changing, that I am immersed within life's motion. The truth is that I don't need to change, there's no reason to force myself in any brighter position than where I am right now, it's winter...

but that extra moment of light will always find me. 

no matter what I am. 

~

Peace, Eric 

What It Means To Surrender

What it means to surrender: 

and this is what it means to surrender - that there's no one truly releasing anything at all, it's not a mental act of letting go, but only the process of life being in motion, with everything already surrendered even as we're holding on. That's our most important and profound realization, it's the lesson from the Buddha on why we suffer, our failure to relax within the process of life as it continuously surrenders every moment that we hold dear. No, it's not an easy lesson, not one we really wish to learn, yet it is a noble truth, our suffering is born from grasping for things that were never meant to be held for long. 

our surrender is already happening, always, and presently so.

what it means to surrender is simply realizing this, nothing more, anything else is only a ritual of performance, important in it's way, healing, yet it always occurs just after our initial loss, a recognition of an event already given to the past. 

true surrender always happens now. 

so how do we live with this constant loss, the sorrow of our continuous letting go? The Buddha offered his eight fold path as a means of realization and for our eventual freedom. Other paths have rituals that heal and bring us to an easier peace through our more tragic loss, dealing directly with our grief and trauma. But perhaps we don't need a path to follow, maybe suffering itself is noble and this ache of letting go is really and only a deep and true love that's meant to cherish our every precious, fragile moment. I'm not sure we're meant to escape suffering, our sorrow is an inherent quality of life, built in to its very fabric and our role is simply to be alive, recognizing  every small joy, experiencing the grief of letting go, and allowing, allowing...

loss, another moment born, it's just how things happen, life after all. 

this is what it means to surrender - 

 to find ourselves alive, awake, experiencing everything that's offered.   

no matter how brief our joy,

or length of sorrow. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Absence of A Blink

Absence of a blink: 

it seems I'm mostly recovered from my recent bout with Bell's Palsy, blurred vision in my left eye still remains, a little facial stiffness, mostly earlier in the morning and loosens through the day until I generally feel like normal. It all happened relatively quickly, first noticing an odd blinking of my right eye, independently of the left which wasn't moving at all, a complete absence of a blink, and within an hour or so I began to lose motion on the entire side of my face. Of course this is also signs of a stroke, so I eventually made my way to the emergency room for the diagnosis of Bell's Palsy. Just as swift and now it's almost gone, lasting little more than a month and with this last week only being  reminded of it through my slightly blurred vision. What strikes me as so odd is how little control I had in any of this, it wasn't a matter of fitness or general health, nothing to be done to prevent its arrival. In a matter of a few moments the left side of my face was paralyzed, and in just weeks it's almost gone. For some this is a longer lasting affliction and I am fortunate indeed that it has ended so quickly.

and this all gives me cause to reflect on more of my great fortune, being healthy and fit, able to do all the things I love with little concern of their effect. I have a house left to me by my father, paid for through years of my parents effort, and I live in a beautiful neighborhood in a city that I love. Fortunate indeed I would say. And all of this unearned, or mostly so, I do consider it a grace, even with the considerations I take for my health and fitness, being careful with my diet, daily exercise, and that my father wished me the comfort of a home due to the care I provided in his final years. 

but yes, I am fortunate by grace. 

yet I am also reminded at how quickly everything can go, with the absence of a blink and the use of the left side of my face is compromised. It just happened, no warning, without a reason as far as the medical opinion is concerned. Bell's Palsy arrived without warning, mild it seems, not lasting very long, but it's a reminder that nothing is truly controlled by my good fortune, none of my many gifts will be lasting, any of it can be taken on a whim. This isn't meant to be scary, although yes, it is frightening to consider all there is to lose - but really, for me, it's been a lesson to hold these gifts lightly, truly with a grip of love, which means an ability to let go even as their cherished. An absence of a blink, a little thing, that's what I noticed and through this a chain of health related events carried me to this moment. That's the thing with grace, it's mostly unnoticed until we're given a point of reflection, maybe something small, like an absence of a blink, or perhaps something greatly more tragic as the loss of health or someone loved. 

Bell's Palsy was a slight gift for me to notice, with the absence of a blink I again gave attention to the grace of my existence, how some things arrive in such an easy fashion, gifted, and that truly none of it is lasting and not meant to be held for very long. Most of this is beyond my control, most things are really, although I'll always make effort to preserve the gifts I'm given, I also know to hold them all lightly, taking none of my good fortune for granted. In the absence of a blink...everything could be gone -

and yet right now, I see all that I've been given. 

the fortune of grace, indeed. 

~

Peace, Eric 

From Nothing

From nothing: 

we know things in great detail up to a certain point, or at least we have theories that offer a credible explanation on how the universe came to be, its creation of time and space for reasons of its own expansion, how from a dense energetic singularity, infinitely small, and then an entire universe existing all at once. It always amazes me, that the Big Bang happened everywhere instantaneously simply because nowhere else as yet existed, truly it seems, the universe came from nothing. 

but why? 

and there doesn't really seem to be an answer, not yet and perhaps never, as how could we ever possible project a theory beyond the edge of space and time. This is where consciousness seems to play a role, maybe not yet for modern science, but for philosophers, poets, and other explorers of their own infinite existence - we're all free to tell this story, gathering our own information, intuitive, revelations given to a quiet yet inquisitive mind. This would be our personal cosmology, providing meaning to the world, answers as to why the universe came from nothing to the point that we now find ourselves here. If I am conscious, self-aware, then so it seems the universe is as well, and this is based solely on my own investigation, an inquiry into the notion of separation, do I find anything existing outside the realm of my imagination, that even in the furthest expanse of thought and creativity there is the very same energy of my existence right now, the exact elements and atoms, every particle. Whatever cause that initially stirred the Big Bang to expand is still in effect, an active force, infinitely creative. 

from nothing...there is the universe's story.

and it's no less than ours to tell. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Just As Miraculous

Just as miraculous: 

as a philosophy and means of science, materialism seems to have the same leap of faith as many other views, believing that consciousness is a random chance of the arrangement of atoms and the eventual chemical reaction that follows this event. It's possibly, maybe even likely, but just as miraculous than if it was all arranged by the hand of God. This seems an odd point to argue, that things simply happened this way by a happy accident for our existence. Not that I'm making an argument for God and creationism, really, I see no issue of debate here either way - both are just stories of creation, with science giving details of how this all happened and religion offering a sense of meaning as to why it all occurred. I don't see either as being completely true, although science has the edge as to the workings of the world, neither really seem to capture the magic we have here, of how we belong within the universal structure, being participants, self-aware for a specific reason.

of course this would be another story. 

but one with our inclusion. 

and just as miraculous.

this could all be described by philosophies of naturalism, or maybe panpsychism, both of which align more clearly with my personal views. But I'm not really trying for description here, not in any literal or philosophical sense - my only wish is to convey our own belonging here, that any story, scientific of otherwise always includes the means for our existence, we're made of the very fabric of the cosmos, fully immersed within its hold without a hint of separation. Everything is our story, all of it is personal, biology tells of living organism, of ourselves and our kin, chemistry is a description of the substances that hold our world together, physics is the magic of arrangement, how vibrations provide the structure of our foundation. Materialism is just as miraculous as every other story, maybe more so, as randomness defies the very chance of our existence. 

I love all of these stories, every description, and see no reason to choose anything as a singular belief to hold to, discarding other means of explore my own position in the world. What we know for certain is that reality is a mystery, one revelation only leads to further curiosity and wonder. This is why I find such value in self-inquiry, questioning my beliefs, reasons, and meaning. It's not to find any ultimate answers, it's not a search for any truth to hold to, but a means of exploration, lending myself to a more fluid sense of the world, participating in its motion. 

and even if it's only another story told...

it's just as miraculous and any other. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Pursuit

Pursuit: 

it hasn't been a spiritual pursuit, not really, I've never been a seeker in the sense of wishing to find an ultimate answer, or any state of permanent bliss and enlightenment. Yet I've explored many paths that might be labeled spiritual, having mediated for several decades now, teaching it, writing of various things that capture my imagination. But it's never been as an act of pursuit, no frantic energy demanding life to reveal its secrets to me. I know it's been that way for some, many of my friends actually, and I'm happy that at a certain point that were finally able to lay that energy aside and be content with where they are. Of course there are others who continue there search, frantic or otherwise, and that seems to be their path for now and there's no reason for me to question their pursuit. It seems to me that we're always exactly where we're meant to be, that things couldn't be any other way than they are right now. 

we're all free to explore whatever path we're on. 

so I don't disparage seekers, nor offer advice on how to step off the spiritual path, or what so often may seem to be a treadmill, endlessly in motion and yet never truly traveling anywhere. I'm not a teacher and far from a guru of any sorts. If given a label I'd much prefer a poet and even that might be somewhat of a stretch. What I am is happy, content, at least spiritually so. I'm not a seeker, but I love to explore and remain open for life to reveal mystery in its own time and way. I have no demands for life to be any other way then it is right now, preference, yes, most certainly, I prefer my good health to bad, money in the bank as opposed to struggling to pay my bills, having relationships with people that support and understand me and not undermine my peace of mind. Those are preferences and sometimes they happen, sometimes not, and life continues either way. For me, that's a deeper happiness, it's the reason for my smile through difficult times. I'm not chasing any answers. 

free of pursuit. 

but not of curiosity, I still love to explore alternative ways of thinking, to read of different spiritual traditions and to even dive in to what they offer. I don't find any reason to argue or debate over these issues, not even from a scientific stance. Explore things for yourself. Or don't. I hold my own beliefs lightly, ready to examine their role in my way present way of thinking. Without any sense of a pursuit, no need for any answers - I am free in my considerations. 

and life continues with its mysteries. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Seven Thousand Trillion Trillion

Seven thousand trillion trillion: 

there's approximately 7x10^27 atoms right now lending themselves to the appearance of our bodies, that's seven thousand trillion trillion atoms. That's a lot. About one-ten thousandths of a second after the Big Bang the earliest particles appeared in the newly created universe, protons and neutrons formed and then soon stuck together to construct atomic nuclei, our earliest of elements hydrogen and helium. After hundreds of thousands of years electrons found their way to bond to this nuclei and the first complete atoms came to exist. That's our origin story, literally the creation of time and expanse of space tells us who truly we are, or at least the seven thousand trillion upon trillion atoms that right now express themselves as our appearance. 

 imagine all the things that those atoms must have been before we the scene, from first stars to the primordial mix of earliest earth and then single celled life, we are constructed from the very same material as pre-historic creatures that once roamed the land, our atoms were once part of ancient forests, wild seas, and eventually those ancestors of first human life. We've been everything and after this brief appearance now we'll continue on as something other once again. 

and even more amazing, consider the possibilities of what those atoms could have been, that our existence wasn't guaranteed to be exactly as it is, of seven thousand trillion trillion atoms we could have been anything at all - and yet here we are. 

gifted from the Big Bang. 

it seems to me that the universe has always been evolving, that it wasn't just early life that grew in complexity and self-awareness, but that the universe itself has sought ways of emerging as new expressions, constantly arranging primordial matter in creative displays of its potential. Perhaps the Big Bang was simply another canvas in an endless show of curiosity and wonder. Our seven thousand trillion, trillion atoms are only a fraction of this order, barely a sand grain along an infinite beach of creation - our bodies being a temporary arrangement of possibilities, a brief appearance before we continue on as another unique expression of existence. So we are actually more than a collection of seven thousand trillion trillion atoms, much more...

we are the universe itself,

through every possible display. 

~

Peace, Eric 

It's All Life

It's all life: 

that it's all life, every aspect from origin of particles to atoms, molecules to cells, the universe teems with this potential. In this way there is no real reductionism, it's far to interdependent for one thing to exist alone and be called essential. This is the essence of the Buddhist Heart Sutra, not that form is reduced to emptiness, but that it's actually one and the same, simply the energy of life in ever changing play, and this is the basis of all existence. 

it's all life, everything, if only in degrees of realization. 

but does this mean that everything has the same value? 

is a pebble equal in its worth to that of a bird? 

the mystery here is of display, how the same ingredients that construct a pebble can somehow too be arranged to form a bird, or any other more active degree of life - and perhaps the Buddha might answer that it isn't a mater of difference between the two, nor that they are the same in anyway, only that existence has somehow come to display a pebble with the same essential ingredients that grants a bird its flight. It's all life in various degrees of potentiality, of energy, vibrations. So there is no real question of worth, everything belongs to the same community of existence, differing only in display if their potential. 

of course that's not really the Buddha's answer, just my own given in poetic license, not even very scientific truthfully. This is just my own insight here, moments after my early morning meditation, sipping coffee and watching first rays of light softly illuminate the world. There are pebbles on my window sill, and right outside I see birds feasting on the seeds left out for them. More so, I see life, seamless, and yet different in display. None of this leaves me with any questions, I'm content with mystery, how everything is so easily given to my view, gifted, and that I'm somehow too part of inclusive nature, another display of the same ingredients of life. 

different. 

but not separate in anyway. 

that it's all life, 

and everything belongs. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Creative Source

there are times I fear that my creative source has been exhausted, a morning without new ideas to write of, and it all feels slightly dry in my attempt to put even a few words together and commit them to the page, Fortunately these moments are few and I mostly write free of any concerns for the sake of my creativity. Usually, writing just seems to flow and ideas arrive completely on their own, no search on my part for any inspiration - I'm tapped in fully to the source. 

of course there's never any true separation, there's no creative source that resides anywhere but exactly where I am now. Everything about me is creative, fiction really, a story that reality tells through the work of particles, atoms, molecules and cells. Mostly I am the emptiness found between these infinitely small items, a construction of convenience in order to know myself as form. This is the very same creative source that has made the world in it's perfect order, everything balanced so easily, almost delicate in how it all seems to fit together in appearance. I am part of this perfect order, belonging here, an aspect of life that's endlessly repurposed for the benefit of the whole, consisting of elements that once exploded in a creative burst from a dying star, elements born from the exact moment that space and time came into existence. 

the truth is...there is only the creative source.

and I am that.

so are you. 

so creativity itself can never be exhausted, it's just a misplaced fear on my part, and there doesn't even need to be a solution. Words always find me, a theme appears, inspiration arrives most every morning eager to be expressed through my own unique style - and on those rare occasions that I find myself waiting for a words appearance, unsure of my connection the creative source, it's only a matter of waiting, reminding myself that this too is the process of creation. 

silence is where words are formed.

and I'm residing at the source.

~

Peace, Eric 

Single Point

Single point: 

 a single point, and from this an entire universe appeared, or at least that's the popular thought associated with the Big Bang - that a singularity, infinitely dense and full of energy, was just ready to expand in vast potentiality, an explosion of both time and space happening from this single point. Yet this description is somewhat misleading, really, it's only a story told in scientific terms and even cosmologist are now telling it a different way. Stories always change as more evidence is gathered, that's why science is an art, unafraid to express itself in new and challenging ways, offering different means to view the world that have never existed before. A theory is simply the process of a never ending work of art. 

without the language of description....

a universe. 

this isn't meant to dismiss the language of the Big Bang, not to argue the single point of energy and how it spread to bring the universe into existence. I'm not a scientist, even writing just the little that I have has nearly exhausted my knowledge on the subject. Whatever I write is only my own expression given, lyrical prose within a scientific view, it's only another story told. But I am an intricate part of this story, intimate really, a key figure. We all are, each of us traced back by the elements of first creation, our origin is that single point of energy and potentiality and whatever could have possibly come before. That grants us each the right of wonder and curiosity, gifts given to us by our inclusion in this universal expression. We're part of this tapestry, individual points within the greater whole, expanding too with energy and wonder. The universe is our story. 

what amazes me is that language can somehow and sometimes limit us in wonder - to use terms such as expansion of space and time, singularity of energy, and even the Big Bang gives our story context, but takes away a certain sense of mystery. Once, there was no universe, nothing, no space, not even a concept of time, or perhaps they existed as formless bits of information, possibilities with the potential to appear - and then the universe happened all at once, not in any great expansion because no space existed yet, no time to offer any point of measure. 

the universe simply happened. 

and there it is, my story too...

once, nothing, or perhaps I existed as some formless bit of inspiration, maybe a promise and possibility of existence, and then suddenly, an entire universe appeared, somehow I simply happened. A single point...and from here my entire story has evolved. 

~

Peace, Eric 

This Is Grace

This is grace: 

that I am at all is pretty astonishing, life simply arrived for me,  from absolutely nothing before - and then I'm here, awake, thriving, and conscious that it's so. This is grace, that it's all unasked for, gifted to me, and in such a way that shows me that I'm deeply cared for. Everything was set up perfectly for my arrival, an entire universe of support and arranged for my convenience. My very first breath was drawn from an abundance of air, a sky full, just waiting for that initial inhalation. There is a sun set in the exact distance for my warmth and comfort, offering light for trees baring fruit, crops nourished by its rays, a life-force given freely to the world. 

and this is just the obvious.

the universe itself had to be arranged perfectly so for my creation, stars eons in their own making, and then exploding in order for the proper elements to exist. This is my origin story, owing my existence to the grace of stars. My very foundation is made from those basic elements of exploding stars, with the exclusion of two that were created through the actions of the Big Bang, so the initial birth of space and time were the first points of my creation. 

this is grace, everything, that it's all provided, a universe arranged for my existence.

some scientist believe in random chance, insisting on the accidental nature of it all - and perhaps it's so, I know better than to argue with great minds, and honestly, have little interest in doing so. For me, this is grace, unasked for, given to me from a stars existence, an entire universe arranged for me to be here. None of it seems random, there's too much love here. it's too personal. 

this is where I belong, this moment, now, here.

this is grace. 

~

Peace, Eric 

True Spirituality

True spirituality: 

that it's all spirit, or perhaps some would prefer to call it energy, maybe consciousness, or even God, our name for this existence doesn't really matter - it's all cooperation, attraction, points of individuality working for the seamless function of the whole. True spirituality is simply the recognition of this, living our lives as if every aspect of life mattered in a deep and meaningful way, that everything is sacred in some deep and meaningful way. This, of course, is different than religion, there's no theology here, nothing is worshiped as a separate source from life itself. 

our lives, here, now, is what's found holy. 

that's true spirituality, or my definition at least, and it's all inclusive, no dividing lines of what appears to be only my concern, everything serves in someway, even if it's beyond my current understanding. I trust that life has its own sure wisdom, that it's built into the deep fabric of its very nature, an intelligence that is curious and evolving, self-aware. My proof is my own existence, being made of the same stuff as found throughout the cosmos, gases and elements constructed by atoms, and that atoms themselves vibrate towards each other by some intentional attraction, an urge to be something larger than they are alone, the truest act of their unconditional service and love.  

honestly, we don't have to call this anything at all, it's not true spirituality, not really, it's just how life happens, science described in some a romantic sense. But we're storytellers by our very nature, creating languages to describe the world and communicate our sense of beauty and awe to each other. Science is a story told through investigation, experiments repeated, observation. The story of true spirituality is similar in a way, based upon a deep contemplation of our inner world and its seamless contact to what appears to be the entire cosmos of our existence. It's no less real than the story science tells, only more personal, intimate, placing ourselves firmly in the story. 

true spirituality is our self-description.

it's our story told from that single act of a particles vibration...all the way to the construction of our world, and further still - 

the cosmos as the soul of our existence. 

or at least that's how this story goes. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Reoccurring Themes

there seems to be some reoccurring themes here, my writing taking me down familiar avenues of thought and ideas that are seen somewhat different now, asking for a new expression to be given to the page. I enjoy this, so many different ways to write of the values that shape my life, the gifts that light my spirit with the fire that they show. Writing itself is one of these reoccurring themes, my early morning ritual of meditation, coffee, and commitment to words. I write of this often, never tiring of how these simple, quiet moment can so easily be told, there's a tenderness here, almost fragile in the balance of silence and words, everything in a perfect place of listening, receiving....

writing. 

perhaps this isn't really a reoccurring theme, none of it is, it's all freshly told to me each moment, and only later does it seem familiar, that I've written of this topic so often before. Yet each time is different, completely so, as there's nothing that is the same for me, each of my moments transient by nature, and what seems to be a reoccurring theme is simply a new appearance of something holy, sacred to me alone, and with an urge to be written down, expressed uniquely in this fragile moment. 

perhaps.

but it doesn't really matter, writing seems independent of any of my wishes and demands, and honestly I prefer it this way, without any pressure to produce ideas of my own. All I really do is show up each morning, just moments from my meditation, coffee at hand, my one and only cup that complete the ritual of my writing. I am hear to listen, enjoying the warmth of coffee sips, the quietness that exist only before dawn, and there's really no need for words. What I have right now is enough, more so, I'm profoundly grateful for these moments, relaxed, and with this...

writing seems to happen, words appear, my listening more active now, expectant, and today there's a reoccurring theme that wishes to be written.

it's simply what the moment holds. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Truly Generous

Truly generous: 

that we live in a truly generous world, or really, it's the entire universe that gives of itself and we have the world to show for it - but this isn't meant as a New Age trope of all of existence being here to support us, or reality lending itself to grant our every wish and dream. I'm speaking more of the science of giving, the inherent spirit of generosity that underlies the universal actions of planets and stars, our own sun and moon and the quality of life they offer, all the way down to particles and the atomic structure they perform. It seems to me that there's an intent for life, intelligence being creative in its display, and that it's an ongoing process, evolving through the course of time. 

a truly generous universe...

being aware of its own giving. 

this can be difficult to express, with words taking on the particular flavor of our beliefs, and when a generous, creative intelligence is mentioned it's quickly associated with a vision of God, either negative in regard to some scientific discussions or the theology that we've been given through countless years of unquestioned faith. Words take on the context of our frame of mind, it's natural, and to use terms such as generosity of spirit, or creative universe immediately cause a sense of separation, that it's implied as an outside force of intelligence, something other than what naturally occurs. 

yet really, it's simply what we are. 

if we are creative, self-aware, intelligent, than so too the universe. 

there is no degree of separation. 

and, so yes, we live in a truly generous universe, infinitely creative, one that gives freely of itself for the sake of life to thrive. The sun and moon are set in perfect distance from earth, the atmosphere consisting of just the right gases for our protection and ability to draw breath, particles vibrating an attraction for the world to form - and all of this takes place with grace and ease, nothing is demanded from us for any of this to be. It simply happens on its own. 

truly generous. 

and I'm grateful that it's so. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Deep and Quiet Joy

Deep and quiet joy: 

for me, meditation and inquiry aren't tools to reach a certain spiritual view, or a means of achieving a specific state of mind, really they're not tools at all but different modes of my creative expression. Meditation is how I join the morning and my closing point to the day, bookends of my surrender, a softening to any edge that seems to appear between myself and the world. My mantra is a vehicle that carries me to this surrender, an easy grace that vibrates through my mind, a frequency of a quiet way of being. This is something that I love, a simple ritual of my day, and doesn't have to be the cause of any great awakening...it's enough in the deep and quiet joy that it offers to me. 

it's just something that I love to do.

of really, I should say happen, as both meditation and inquiry are an urge of surrender, not something that I do at all, but more of a request that I simply follow. Inquiry is spontaneous for me now, happening at odd moments through the day, a sudden point of complete surrender and exploration of the seamless reality that presents itself to me. It's my invitation to know myself directly as the moment, how everything is occurring as a single flow of motion, energy in different modes of this unique and only once appearing expression. Inquiry offers me another flavor of this deep and quiet joy, one of recognition, more active than my silent meditation, showing me that I too am the motion of the world, an integral part of this creative energy, always shifting in appearance. 

inquiry shows me what I truly am...

through any moment of the day. 

yet none of this is the cause for my deep and quiet joy, meditation and inquiry are simply revelations to what's always present, just another point of reference in the creative flow of my existence. It's what I'm asked to do and not for any reason or purpose...

but only as something that I love to do. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Seamlessness: 

it occurs to me that perhaps there should a branch of science that's devoted purely to the study of seamlessness, how everything is interdependent upon the existence of something else, entwined, and how one aspect of science really can't be studied by itself, but always included as the whole. It's taking a seamless view of the universe and studying it's relations. As well as specializing in a particular branch, a scientist would be trained in this inclusion, knowing that there's really no objectivity involved, that they belong fully to the subject of their study. This would involve learning to meditate, methods of self-inquiring and deep contemplation. A scientist would know and understand that they belong within the whole area of their study, life, consciousness, the universe at large.

all being really, just one thing. 

seamlessness.

this thought came to me as I was reading about the noosphere, particularly as expressed by French scientist/philosopher/and Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, that there is a realm of consciousness that exist in a similar way as the atmosphere or biosphere, and that it leads us towards ever greater leaps of complexity and evolution. It's a controversial thought, dismissed by many scientist and embraced by those who think outside the box of their scientific studies. I am partial to this view, at least so in my limited understanding, but still see it as means of separation, a realm that is somehow, however slightly noted, removed from inclusion of the whole. 

what I see is that the noosphere is simply consciousness expressed as evolution, an aspect of a single sphere of influence in relation to the whole universe, how the biosphere can only exist in relation to the atmosphere, the seamlessness of its true display. This was Nagarjuna's view, seeing emptiness as an inherent truth of all phenomenon, nothing really existing without the influence of something other. So all science is simply the study of ourselves, every branch is really the seamlessness of spheres, emptiness in relation to appearance and how it all continues on. 

an endless influence...

seamlessness displayed. 

~

Peace, Eric 

A Very Real and True Sense

A very real and true sense: 

recently I've developed a deep interest in cosmology, the science of the origin of the universe as well as its structure and how it has evolved. More so, there's a fascination of cultural views of this origin, how the universe came to be as told by religion and indigenous beliefs. It's interesting to note the diversity of these stories, how they reflect each unique culture, and just as amazing is to see the connections shared across such a wide spectrum of history and landscape, how similar some of these stories are in their recount of the origin of the universe and their personal world. In a very real and true sense - we all have our own unique cosmology, the beginning of our cosmic story, a Big Bang of consciousness and the vital realization that we exist...and are aware that this is so. 

in a very real and true sense - it's the universe awakening as ourselves.

each moment is a Big Bang of significance for us, an entire universe is shifted to our view, never quite seen this way again, always in motion, and even as this world is briefly noted it is already in the process of both destruction and becoming, a Shiva moment that bears our witness. Cosmology is an active story, it tells how the universe is expanding, awakening to itself, and it includes our individual stories as well, how we're part of the great awakening, aspects of consciousness by design and function. 

for me, this negates the hard problem of consciousness, if it's innate in the fabric and structure of the universe, or some happy accident of evolution, a chemical and biological function found in the arrangement of only certain points of matter. Either way, I'm alive, a universe of cells, molecules, atoms, and particles vibrating an urgency of existence, life, awake to itself and able to discern such vital information. 

in a very real and true sense - each moment is my origin story, a cosmology of deep importance. It's the universe awakening to itself, and in the very same instance being expressed uniquely as my potential, an ongoing story of this aliveness, aware, vital in my presence here. 

no less than the universe itself...

awakening. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Everything I Write

Everything I write: 

only to note that everything I write will probably, eventually, be contradicted in another day of writing. It's just the way things are, creatively, for me at least. I'm not interested in spiritual ideals, nor anything that needs to meet a certain standard of community proof - even the science that's occasionally mentioned here is simply a matter of convenience for me, a subject for a story, fiction really, lyrical prose. Something that has worth for me as beauty.   

nothing more. 

in this way, I guess I am a seeker after all, always a pursuit of beauty, searching for that one line that uncovers an underlying sense of grace, connection, and possibilities. Or perhaps seeker isn't exactly right after all, more to the point it's a revelation, that beauty is inherent through every description of the world and it's simply a wait for the proper words to find me. 

everything I write is in hope that beauty will be reveled.

even if only by single line.

and it's all fiction, again even the science that I write of is just a story, presented with facts, yes, but truthfully it all remains a mystery, an interpretation of the universe in way we understand. Yet it's an incomplete story, never quite able to capture the entirety of the whole. Science is an impossible task, as is philosophy, and every religion as well. But science embraces this truth, uses it to continue adding chapters to its story, realizing that mystery reveals itself through the action of pursuit, asking the right questions, experimenting, having a willingness to fail and be proven wrong. 

it makes the story interesting. 

for me, I'm not a scientist, but I am my own kind of storyteller, lyrically so, poetry in a sense - everything I write about is the story of this moment, temporary and brief, a glimpse of reality, but no more. Just a glimpse. More importantly, it's my glimpse, my own view within reality and doesn't have to be proven true to anyone, not even to myself as confirmation of experience is always subjective, although in a certain sense it's often shared, it still belongs to each of us alone. 

we all tell our own stories.

and this is just one of mine. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Hum of Pure Existence

Hum of pure existence: 

there's a deep sound to the universe, what scientist now are detecting as a hum, a vibration rich in tone and subtle textures. This is the frequency of creation, every present, being the background hum of pure existence itself. This isn't a sound that's carried to us on waves we're most familiar with, it's not the conversation tones we hear on a daily basis, nor even a type of white-noise we've come to ignore through its constant play. It's the sound of being alive, our own primordial vibration.

it's the hum of pure existence. 

these sounds, deep from the source of creation, are carried to us on gravitational waves, an entirely different way of hearing, more akin to a touch really, the whole universe responds in certain resonance, vibrating along in a chorus of continuous creativity and being. Scientist have actually recorded this, those resonating sounds of the Big Bang, the birth of our existence. It's amazing to consider that we can actually hear our own creation taking place, the creativity of the universe itself emitting a specific tone and that somehow right now our bodies respond, resonating, offering their own frequency to join this chorus of cosmic sound. 

we too are part of this great hum of pure existence. 

the rishi's, seers and shamans of long ago heard this sound as well, detecting this as the underlying Om of our primordial nature, noting it's resonance throughout creation, listening as the entire universe played along, vibrating in a beautiful song of creativity and being. They offered us mantras of specific participation, our own creative sounds to play along, purposely joining to this chorus. It's really all one great primordial song, existence, active, dynamic, gravitational waves pulling to our souls, urging us to dance, vibrating to the continuous hum of pure existence. 

and we respond....

dancing, singing, vibrating. 

life. 

~

Peace, Eric  

My Own Cosmology

My own cosmology: 

exploring my own cosmology, how thoughts appear through a quiet field of consciousness, a sense of self-identity forms within the mind, and somehow too that it's all let go, and there's simply presence here, spacious and aware. That's the science and joy of meditation, for me at least, an endeavor of deep, relaxed observation until even the witness dissolves into this silence. I liken this to cosmology, a personal universe of my own sense of beingness to explore. 

yet really this isn't an active exploration, there's no seeking involved, no active search for any answers. It's too relaxed and quiet for this to be so, passive in its engagement with the mind. The universe is already present here, immediate, waiting to be acknowledge and unfold with information. Meditation is just the means of watching myself recognize this revelation, seeing my true relationship with a larger world, and allowing it all to simply appear without the labels of my involvement. It's a personal universe, my own cosmology explored, and yet once revealed as so, no sense of personal identity remains. 

just the universe at large...

my own cosmology.

aware. 

~

so the above isn't meant to be anything other than a lyrical description of meditation, it's not a teaching, nor a pointer designed to gain a sense of awakening. I have no interest in the debate over meditations worth for enlightenment, honestly, I care very little for the pursuit of enlightenment at all. I love the present moment, whatever it is that's appearing right now, how everything had to be just so for this exact instant to arrive, as if the entire universe conspired through infinite, seamless events for this moment to appear. Meditation is one such instance, as is my time writing, and the urge for another sip of coffee. It's that simple...

whatever it is, 

is my own cosmology.

~

Peace, Eric 

This Moment

This moment: 

perhaps the real, and only, power of this moment is in simply recognizing the nature of it's allowingness, its fluidity, that it remains when all experiences and events pass. This isn't to imply that the reality of this moment is separate from our actual experience in anyway, life is too seamless for this to be so, and we know from physics that space and time are really an exchange of ideas, one thing really, just a way for us to make organize and makes sense of our world.

this moment itself is all there is. 

that's reality, everything happening at once, and that means all things are really an illusion of items and events, not even existing on their own. Particles don't make atoms, and atoms don't construct a physical universe - they're one thing, atoms are particles, the universe is an expression of atomic structure. There's no sequence of events here, everything happens now. 

and so we see that there's only this moment, right now, and that we're alive with whatever experience is happening, not in anyway separate from these events. We're not mere witnesses to life, not simply an observer here, no, awareness isn't passive at all, it's dynamic, a process of creation and we're participants of reality, an expression too of the universe, of atoms, particles...motion. 

our real power is this motion, life, happening now. This moment is just a way of seeing the continuous activity of creation, it's our own creativity displayed over what seems a course of personal history, a series of events we label a lifetime. But really, it's not ours, it's just life itself, and we belong to the reality of this moment, a creation of temporary design, infinitely expressed, dynamic in display. 

this moment...is what we are. 

~

peace, Eric 

Intelligence

Intelligence: 

there's intelligence here, creative, innate to the universe itself - and I can only liken this to consciousness, being my own only point of reference that applies. The universe is self aware, it knows of it's design and proceeds in evolution, and we belong to the very fabric of its plan. The universe is God, all of it, from least speck of cosmic dust to our own display of life. 

everything is God. 

the great cosmologist Carl Sagan famously said that extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence, and to claim that everything is God surely should be backed by an argument beyond my faith. But truthfully, I have no real argument to make, no need to debate this issue to prove my point is right. I'm not a scientist, nor a theologian, my faith isn't of anything that needs proof to be provided. What I am is simply part of life, a self-ware aspect of an even greater expression of consciousness. I am witness to my own  innate intelligence function as a body and something larger too, that my heart beats without any direct effort of my will, breath drawing from an infinite source of air, sun and earth aligned just so for my life to thrive. 

my extraordinary proof is being alive. 

and this isn't offered as a claim of God's existence, that's just a term I use, poetic preference, and these are just words to note my own cosmic wonder. Somehow, the universe created me, made from scratch really, every particle arranged from infinite sources. Some scientist make the bold claim of random events developing to the point of consciousness, our own awareness, a pinnacle of achievement without deign or plan. My one claim isn't quite so bold, extraordinary, yes, but not without the required proof for me to show - everything needed to exist was provided for me without demand, life itself gave me all the ingredients for body and mind, an entire universe was arranged with intelligent care for me to recognize myself within this intricate design. 

that's God...

my own life displayed as proof and wonder. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Been Given

Been given: 

that its all been given, unasked for, an entire universe provided as a gift - I'm continuously amazed by my surroundings, the life that I have, that I exist at all even. It's all a miracle, everything, and I have caused none of it to happen, having been given spontaneously, so freely and abundantly to my every care. Life is indeed a miracle. 

let's consider the sun, placed perfectly in its distance from earth, being just the right size for its purpose, it's temperature not a fraction more than needed, bright enough to illuminate our entire world. We never ask for light, it's been given to us along with the infinite gifts depending on its touch. Our oceans are warmed to a life sustaining degree, plants are nourished by the sun's rays, the earth's atmosphere affected in ways that produce wind and rain. All from the sun's touch, even its gravitational pull keeps the earth in orbit at the exact distance needed for all of this to be so perfectly arranged.

sun light's been given, freely, and there's life because of this. 

each morning while preparing breakfast, I give thanks to everything that I trace back to the sun's touch, with fruit ripened to the right point of being offered, berries picked beneath it's rays, oats harvested from a sunlit field. I am nourished by the sun, fed by its light, having been given this exact moment to be awake, grateful, and alive. 

yes, it's a miracle. 

the sun, and all that thrives from it's existence....

it's all simply been given. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Math

Math; 

it fascinates me that some deep aspects of reality, a description of the function of the universe, can best be expressed through a mathematical formula. I have little aptitude for math, never progressing far with it in school and through the years after had little appreciate for its use aside from the basics that were needed, and even these were handled with no small amount of struggle. Math doesn't suit me. And yet I find that it expresses me so absolutely well. 

not that I understand it, not even a little bit, it's well beyond what my brain is capable of comprehending. But the mind itself is composed of math, information, performing the actuality of mathematics at a level of perfection. Everything is, effortlessly so, in reality we are mathematical geniuses, constructing the entire concept of a universe from scratch and then participating in its flow of ideas and understanding. It's not that we know we're doing this, not conceptually, and there's no need too, it's simply what we are, it's lived, expressed perfectly so through all we do.

everything. 

really, math is just a language, a way of communicating reality through shape, structures, information and numbers. It exists, and yet it doesn't, not independently so, it's not an actual thing that resides outside of us, again it's a language and we're mathematical creatures, speaking it fluently, effortlessly. It's the language of who we are, constantly expressed through the very fabric of the cosmos. 

and with a single equation an entire universal force can be shown, explained by this mathematical language, comprehended in a deep and meaningful way. That's the power of math, and even more so it's the innate power of what we most truly are, that in reality we are a mathematical expression, a gathering of ideas and information given the illusion of form. We 're not contained by an equation, that's only a symbol of a point within an infinite field of reality. Math provides us an easy name, a useful way of communicating our existence in the vastness of the universe. It's more of a demonstration than an actual explanation, as our ultimate truth remains a mystery without need of being solved. 

we are.

existence itself.

being.

and it's really that easy for us to know.

perhaps math does suit me after all. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Course

Course: 

I've always loved the spiritual text A Course In Miracles, from my first discovery it held a certain promise to me, that this was the way, if only I devoted myself to its page and practice I would reach enlightenment, or at the very least be a happier, more at ease person. It took me years to finally commit to finishing the workbook, completely the daily exercises, reading the entire textbook. This was no easy task, demanding, working diligently to diminish ego's hold on me. After years of starts and putting the exercises aside, and now fully committed to its study, I finished, a monumental year of study and surrender complete.  

and of course everything was just the same.

ego had its hold.

or perhaps maybe a little less so, it doesn't really matter, my ego is less of a concern now, as is enlightenment and showing signs of spiritual progress. That's not really what the Course is about anyway and it seems that even after years of study I had missed the point entirely. Only love is real, there it is, from its opening words the Course sets its agenda clear - the ego isn't the problem, it's simply an appearance, a lens through which we view the world. It's our identifying completely with the ego that leads to a troubled world. 

and so we find ourselves here. 

in a very troubled world. 

I'm no longer a student of the Course, although I often turn to it for inspiration, finding comfort in its words and some of the exercises still. The past few years have brought their own sense of surrender, life happens like that, providing loss and fulfillment without much effort from our part, and we learn from this if we pay attention to its flow. That first important lessons remains clear though, only love is real, and I see that more deeply now, living it in a way that only life delivers, brought here through loss and sorrow, grief, and ultimately the joy of surrendering to it all. 

just life. 

yes, it's a very troubled world, the illusion of power is held by a few who worship control, exploiting the less fortunate to gain even more, destroying the environment, causing irrevocable harm. That doesn't sound like love, it's not the reality that the Course wishes us to show. Is there an answer? A way out of this troubled world? 

honestly, I don't know, it seems doubtful, overwhelming really, too much for me to consider on my own. And yet, I do believe that only love is real, no, more so than a belief, it's a deep faith that life itself is the answer, it's the reality of love in display and practice. Only life is real, it seems obvious, and yet we take it so thoroughly for granted. We don't have to surrender, there's nothing to practice and no spiritual texts to study, unless we wish to, or it brings us joy and a sense of fulfillment in some way. Life provides us with every opportunity to grow, to let go of the past, forgive, to be embraced by the grace and love found only in in this present moment. It's all here, now, a complete course in life, love, and surrender.

perhaps that's the answer, that it's not really a troubled world at all...

it's just life.

and we're still learning how to live it. 

~

Peace, Eric 

To heal: 

 with my father's death just over a year ago, a series of health issues, mostly mild, but adding up to the longest stretch of discomfort and distress in my lifetime, and now added too with Bell's Palsy - it's been a difficult year. As it has for so many of us, economic woes, the pandemic still in play, political division, the violence of mass shootings so frequent now. It's an age of underlying stress, draining us physically, emotionally, spiritually, and carrying on through life as if unaffected by any of this won't provide us with the needed time to heal. 

and we certainly need to heal.

I need to heal. 

writing helps, expressing my concerns, sharing fears, and allowing myself the vulnerability that only true creativity provides, the deepest, most scared part of me revealed through words. Art is indeed therapy, even if it's shared with just a few, or no one at all really, as long as we allow ourselves to be fully expressed, vulnerable in all we offer. 

writing is my needed time to heal.

meditation is beyond my sanctuary, it's my own interior silence shown back to me, an exploration of my quietest point of mind and its spacious nature. It's here that I see that everything belongs, truly so, with no real distinctions made between preference and what occurs, how life flows without concern for my demands, simply offering itself through every possible expression. Meditation is just a moment of this, sitting still, allowing, a much needed time for me to heal. 

and motion...staying current with the world through mind and body, moving, walking, dancing across the landscape with the ease of our belonging here. Nature heals, and it doesn't have to be difficult to be effective, a moment standing in a garden, swaying with the caress of gently offered breeze, a soft and slow walk through woods and fields. Even a breath, drawn fresh and again given back to the sky in gratitude for its value, one breath...it's enough for us to heal. 

these are my means of healing, available to me now, and through their use I hope my own immediate world becomes a little kinder, a more gentle place to be around. 

it's what I have to offer. 

~

Peace, Eric