Let The Children Heal

Let the children heal:

last week, on three occasions separated by days - the phrase "let the children heal" was presented to me from two different guest on my YouTube channel and once during a healing session. I have no idea what these synchincisitic words could mean, not yet at least, but they strike me with a sense of deep importance. 

let the children heal.

what I feel is an innocence that's been scarred over, a hushed child that's been hushed to the point of quiet exhaustion and is now afraid to even softly cry out. This is one child appearing in sequence, mostly a dream figure now, too frightened to appear real. During my healing session, eyes closed and resting safely, those words "let the children heal" echoed faintly through my consciousness and seemed to find this lost and lonely child. Here is a symbol of wounded innocence appearing in many forms and various ages, from infant to adolescent, and yet all sharing the common wound. 

I have no idea how to heal them.

but I'm ready, I think....to let them speak.

finally.

and maybe others will as well, a gathering of the wounded with soft intent to heal. It feels like that's what I'm supposed to do, providing a place where every voice is heard through the pain of their loneliness and despair. I'm not asked to be a healer...

just a presence.

the word "let' is the secret code.

and I can do that.

I can let the children heal.

finally.

~

I love you, Eric

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Addressing the Cause, Finally

Addressing the cause, finally:

the official diagnosis is a jaw disorder, TMJ, with some underlying issues yet to be determined but more specialist will examine and give their input soon. The initial treatment is more meditation, most of which I don't think I'll use do to a host of undesired side effects - also botox, which in a few days could offer some profound relief. Ultimately there's structural damage to my jaw that's affecting my neck and throat which triggers severe anxiety and disrupted sleep. There could be other issues at play as well and, hopefully, further test will show and treatment offered. 

however, this isn't really a health update. 

I appreciate the Dr.s I've seen, not just their professionalism and skill, but their compassion as well. Much medicine has been prescribed and even more suggested. They want me to feel better, and, obviously, that's my goal too. What strikes is that every symptom has been addressed but we haven't quite touched upon the cause and how addressing that we eventually be the only real solution.

a complete life example in brief.

so I won't get into metaphysics here, no explanation of single cause and seeming infinite effects. Life draws its own metaphors in detail. I'm living with effects, rearranging them, hopeful for relief. The cause, at least for now, is largely unaddressed. 

unhealed. 

eventually, every avenue of relief pursued and found temporary - the actually cause will become the main concern. Finally. It's a process I guess, and at 61, I'm mostly tired of these long pursuits. TMJ, the structural damage, underlying throat and neck distress, anxiety - their all effects. My financial concerns, a sense of loneliness, and low grade depression. Effects. 

I'm ready for God.

love.

 

connection.

truly so.

and through forgiveness...the only cause for every effect -

has finally been addressed.

~

I love you.

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Where the Healing Takes Place

Where the healing takes place: 

 so it's clear to me now that the purpose for everything is for the practice of forgiveness. Nothing excluded. No exceptions. The world is a classroom for awakening. Forgiving everything that appears before me is how I wake up from dreaming this particular lesson. 

I don't mean this metaphysically. 

it's practical.

forgive - and let the story go.

the only real lesson here is that I'm happier without holding any grievances, that being free of resentments means I'm ultimately at peace, and with the absence of judgement I allow others to learn their lessons at their own way. There's no rush. Not ever for me. 

and so forgiveness slows my pace to just this present moment.

that's where the healing takes place.

nowhere else,

but now.

~

I love you, Eric

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Blessed Indeed

Blessed indeed:

for most of my life I've enjoyed exceptional health, having been able to take my body over extreme lengths of displays of fitness, and with every biomarker indicating that all was sound. Today those markers still check true, my health is measurably fine right now. 

and yet I feel like I'm falling apart.

of course there's small issues appearing on a hard worn body. A Trickly left knee, a back that takes careful warm up each morning to feel pain free and ready to face the day. I'm fortunate to have such small issues when so many at this age begin to suffer so much more. 

I'm blessed indeed.

also,

there's an undercurrent of anxiety right now, too sleepless nights alarmingly strung together. There's an issue at hand that my Dr's haven't been able to diagnose nor properly treat. The issue might be my jaw, misaligned from a missing back tooth, and creating pressure and spasms through my neck. At night, laying down, it triggers acute anxiety, as if airways are alarmingly restricted and I ride waves of panic and spasms into a very shallow sleep. If I'm lucky. Many nights are completely sleepless. Some potent anxiety meds proved helpful but short term and some lighter muscle relaxants don't seem to be working very well at all. There's a few doctors appointments scheduled, a dentist and neurologist and I hope for some helpful information and course of treatment. 

but's that's not what this is about.

not really,

this is about forgiveness.

truly so.

how the one dependable thing has been a steady practice of forgiving a growing lists of ails, letting go of a once reliable identity, and settling into a deeper healing now. It seems that forgiveness is the very point of aging, with new opportunities arising daily and in ways I never once imagined. 

what a wonderful opportunity.

I'm blessed indeed,

~

I love you, Eric

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To Be Truly Helpful

To be truly helpful: 

that I am here to be truly helpful, yes, and I know this for certain now. This is karma yoga, selfless service to the divine through my smallest interactions. It's also the beginning of one of the most beloved prayers in A Course in Miracles:

²I am here only to be truly helpful.
³I am here to represent Him Who sent me.
⁴I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because He Who sent me will direct me.
⁵I am content to be wherever He wishes, knowing He goes there with me.
⁶I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal. (ACIM, T-2.V-A.18:2-6)

it's the second line that grabs my attention, especially the word "represent" and the relief it brings. I no longer have to try and place myself front and center, a conflicted healer or teacher at a loss for just the right words to say. 

³I am here to represent Him Who sent me. (ACIM, T-2.V-A.18:3)

and what follows this is an immediate surrender - everything needed to be truly helpful to others is then provided. This is where the prayer shifts to pure devotion, a willingness to let go of my personal agenda and allow myself to be guided to wherever God wishes me to be. 

 ⁴I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because He Who sent me will direct me.

⁵I am content to be wherever He wishes, knowing He goes there with me. (ACIM, T-2.V-A.18:4-5)

the very last line is confirmation of my connection to the world. No one heals alone and you're healing is essential to mine. This a prayer of oneness really, a chain event to self-realization, and those finishing words are our salvation - mind and yours. 

ours.

⁶I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal. (ACIM, T-2.V-A.18:6) 

and so we're healed together.

amen.

~

I love you, Eric

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I Promise

I promise: 

prayers for the struggle, no matter your particular battle, just know that I love you. This is a personal note, it's for you and yet I have no idea who you are. I don't need to though, not really, because I've reached an age where my own battle scars show through and there's no wish to even try and hide them. 

my prayer for you is to reach the otherside.

whatever your battle,

there is a way through.

I promise.

and I love you.

at this point I could recount my own struggles, retell old battle tales of addiction, depression, and a loneliness that breaks me to the core to remember even now. But I won't. I have no stories to tell you, no scars to show - you can see them though, they're not hidden. 

they're just forgiven.

and that's my point here, why I made you that promise. 

there's a way through.

it might be different for you, another path, something that calls to you with an unmistakable voice of care and healing. You'll hear it. I promise. And I'll be there with you, even if we never actually meet in person, I'll walk the path with you. 

we'll reach the otherside. 

together.

I promise.

and I love you. 

The way is not hard, but it is very different. ²Yours is the way of pain, of which God knows nothing. ³That way is hard indeed, and very lonely. ⁴Fear and grief are your guests, and they go with you and abide with you on the way. ⁵But the dark journey is not the way of God’s Son. ⁶Walk in light and do not see the dark companions, for they are not fit companions for the Son of God, who was created of light and in light. ⁷The Great Light always surrounds you and shines out from you. (ACIM, T-11.III.4:1-7)

~

I love you, Eric

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A Present Moment Retrospective

A present moment retrospective

: 

forgives goes so deep these days, older now, and feeling there's less time to hold onto any resentment longer than he very moment that it appears. And they still do appear, even after decades of practice they arrive in regular fashion - but more often now they're subtle, trickier, taking a bit more introspection to root out and forgiven. Perhaps this is because they're so familiar, as if we expect them to be there and they're treated as an accepted backdrop to our lives.

aging is in an example.

relationships too.

death.

what I find isn't that I've made peace with certain changes and endings, but that they accepted as inevitable declines and that I should grit by teeth and play a brave role here. That's not peace and it certainly doesn't feel like forgiveness. So my life is in a present moment retrospective, a paradox, yes, but not really a contradiction. It's not that I'm reviewing the past to heal, not really, but that the present moment is holding remnants of all my previous unhealed encounters, outdated belief systems....wounds.

all things that I wish to heal in my remaining years ahead.

they're present now in thought,

memories,

stored patterns still repeated.

and I forgive them all.

deeply so.

as often as they appear.

patiently,

with no hurry,

there's still a lifetime ahead.

~

I love you, Eric

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Mending

Mending:

there's still a call for some deeper healing, not just feeling better, but to allow the recent anxiety, distress and sleepless night to reveal to me their meaning. I love how the psychology of A Course in Miracles explains this all a single problem, not a thousand things that need to be addressed - just one. Fortunately the appearance of every issue points me towards forgiveness. I don't need to assign a greater meaning to their appearance, they're all symptoms of my belief in separation. 

there's only one false belief to be healed.

one thing to be forgiven.

appearing in a thousand different forms. 

this is the self-honesty of forgiveness, my every projection owned and stripped of the illusion of their betrayal. This is the world I dreamed, my body as well - and they're my responsibility to heal. Or should I say mend, a preferable word for me, as it implies returning a fragment back to it's original source. So really, I'm in the process of mending my world, bringing my every issue to the light of forgiveness, dissolved, mended, returned.

whole again.

that's the deeper healing.

~

I love you, Eric

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It's a Practice

It's a  practice:

and so I'm happy to be practicing, that's the big thing - there's no frantic energy to arrive anywhere, a complete absence of a seeker, content and even happy right now. There's also a certain amount of physical pain in my life this moment and anxiety still hangs on the edge, ever ready to appear. But through the recent years there's been a definite shift towards a greater sense of joy. I'm more at peace within the moment, no matter what might be present, and what strikes as most remarkable - is coming to terms with those occasion when peace and steadiness seem nowhere to be found. 

forgiveness is such a wonderful tool.

a beautiful practice.

there's no performance here - I don't need to be okay. 

not all the time.

but my practice always sees me through, forgiving my way through darkness without need for an apology, mindful of my position and yet making no demands for change. Just accepting, just accepting...and when the next moment unfolds, accepting still just a little bit more. Whatever life offers. Of course there's a wish to heal, and sometimes I'm still lost in hopeless despair, and find myself dashing for an imaginary escape route. And so that's what I forgive, it's my present moment lesson and I love myself through it. I think it's especially those toughest moments that I eventually find the most joy. Not because I made it through the pain or darkness - but that I found the light even then. 

or at the very least...I reached for it.

maybe not always right away.

but soon after.

I'm happy with my practice - 

and that makes all the difference.

~

I love you, Eric

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A Deeper Healing

A deeper healing: 

I've been sleeping in a bit lately, just an extra half or or so in bed to make up for the preceding weeks of sleep nights that seemed to haunt me. Even now my slumber is less than optimal, not the same struggle as before but the quality hasn't yet been restored. Nor has the original cause been addressed, a few more upcoming appointments and maybe they'll be some answers.

regardless, 

a deeper healing has begun.

what I've noticed about sleeping in is the guilt that seems to follow. I'm compressing time while laying in bed, setting my self-created schedule off by what seems a large degree. I feel guilty. Amazingly, this is all my own work flow, I've no one to report to, and few things that actually require a firm commitment. Yet I've conditioned myself so thoroughly to a routine that there's a self-induced pressure to confirm to my own made up schedule. My day feels a bit more rushed now, compromised in a way. And all because of a much needed extra 30 minutes in bed. 

of course it has nothing to do with sleep.

it's about guilt.

my guilt.

already present and in mind.

and so here the real healing begins - forgiveness practiced just before bed, letting go of anything that might linger through my sleeping hours. And any hour that I might awaken through the night is a moment to first be  grateful for any sleep at all, followed again by forgiveness for whatever it is that caused me to awaken. My first thoughts each morning are gratitude and forgiveness, a wish to wipe the slate of the previous day clean and start this one completely open and ease. 

it's truly forgiveness 24/7 now.

a deeper healing at play.

so I'm mindful of those extra minutes in bed, and more so of the feelings they induce. That's the benchmark, a bellwether for my healing. Can I offer myself just a bit of much needed kindness without a backlash of guilt to follow? 

I don't know.

forgiving myself for that as well.

~

I love you, Eric

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Ask

Ask:

through my own tough days I am regularly reminded of just how much of this I actually choose, my mind set given to all the things that leave me feeling as victim of the world I see and experience. Even after decades of mindful practice I still often forget to ask for a miracle, that all important shift in perspective that brings me directly to the holy instant. 

clear seeing. 

⁷Forgive, and you will see this differently. (ACIM, W-193.3:7)

and there's the miracle, the healing that's available this very moment and doesn't require anything other than a sincere request. I am a participant in this, asking the Holy Spirit for every gentle reminder that a miracle is ready for me right now. Forgiveness is my prayer of healing, and there's no sense being brought down to my knees before I ask for a miracle. 

right now is the holy instant.

forgive...and we will see.

we'll know.

and all we have to do is ask.

~

I love you, Eric

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Smallest Corner

Smallest corner: 

sometimes we just need a little help with our healing, maybe something that creates just enough space between the intensity of fear and pain and the beginning of a deeper mend. I've always been reluctant to use medication, and most certainly never wanted to rely upon one. Yet over the past few years I've opened up to a little help, bare minimum when possible, and never for an extended time. What I needed was a few breaths between fear and healing. And I'm working on that now.

but I haven't forgotten my assignment.

I'm here to forgive.

ultimately, that's my only task, recognizing those dark corners and opening them up light. True healing only takes place when the cause of suffering is shown and a miracle is then offered. And what makes me smile is the thought that even here I'm not alone, help is provided just upon request, with only a little willingness on my end required - ask, and I shall receive. 

so this is what healing looks like.

for me at least.

stepping closer to that darkened corner as close as I'm able to right now, peering within - and asking for a small show of light before my next step is taken. 

that's it.

and what I'm so often shown is infinite light....

arriving to the smallest corner.

simply by request.

~

I love you, Eric

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To Be Healed

To be healed: 

here's my recurring reply - "to be healed". That's the refrain that plays through my mind as those late night thoughts arise and seek to keep me sleepless, anxious, and feeling alone. Just yesterday I had a wonderful conversation with a brand new friend who framed this so meaningful for me:

these are the blocks to the awareness of love's presence. 

and they're here to be forgiven.

it's just a beautiful reminder as to why forgiveness is such a consistent practice. There might be lifetimes behind us with deep emotional imprints that carry through, unhealed, and beckon to us now. I don't really know, and honestly, even this lifetime carries enough sorrow to haunt me. So regardless of origin, each wave of anxiety is here to be healed. They have one purpose, brought to my awareness in whatever form that had to be taken - and my only role is to be a gracious host and greet them all with love. This is a true welcome, not feigning affection, but simply being grateful for their service in my healing. I do this even through repetition, no longer interested in counting, if it's here, present, then it's to be forgiven. 

and so my night passes.

until everything is healed...for now at least.

forgiveness is a continuous practice.

for as long as it's needed.

~

I love you, Eric

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Here I Am

Here I am: 

on my own, last bit of medication taken the night before and no more left to face the sleepless hours ahead. And so I turned to prayer, ritualistically at first, a repetition of familiar words to ease me back from the edge of panic - soon though, as with every prayer, a silent communication was revealed.  I'm a fan of brevity, only a few words needed, even with prayer. 

maybe especially with prayer.

Here I am, Lord.

as my litany of prayer fell aside those four words from the original edition of A Course in Miracles emerged as a soft whisper to the night. Indeed, I was present, aware, and willing to trust that I would be brought through whatever the dark hours ahead night hold for me. As it turns out it was - sleep, rest, and lots of dreams that revealed the presence of loved ones gathered around me.

again, it was prayer that brought me back from the edge, keeping anxiety from gaining any traction in a worried mind. But it's what followed those four words that sustained me - a complete surrender to simply being present to each moment as it arrived. 

and here's the miracle:

time, no matter what fraction of a slice of a moment we break it down to, never does arrive. Not really. It's always and only the holiest of an instant right now. 

Here I am, Lord....

feeling broken, 

on that familiar edge of discomfort and anxiety.

surrendering to this Holy Instant

and that brought me through the night.

~

I love you, Eric

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Overwhelmed by the World

Overwhelmed by the world: 

so, I'm sleeping, and it's been several nights now. All with what some help from what A Course in Miracles would call "magic" and what my Dr. refers to as an antidepressant. It's taken me awhile to reach the point where I felt there was little choice, sleep or perish seemed the options. This is a 12 day cycle to break the pattern of physical discomfort and then the brain responding as if in it's in grave danger. I'm getting some much needed sleep,and  then on to a deeper healing. It wasn't a difficult to choice to make, not at this point when I was feeling the collapse of my body and the struggle of my mind as it tried to hold everything together. I didn't choose "magic" as a healing device, but as a tool to help ease back into a state of comfort so that I could begin to heal from here. 

it's where I am right now.

all through this my practice of forgiveness never waivered.

there was never a thought that I was alone.

sometimes we're just overwhelmed by the world.

an illusion,

yes.

but still it often seems to be very real.

at least to me.

I don't know the next step, not yet, only that I've been graced this period to pause and get some much needed rest. I'm asking for guidance. I'm forgiving all that seems broken and in need of healing. I'm doing my best to accept what's present, including the discomfort of acknowledging my every doubt and self-judgement. 

I'm healing.

and this is what it looks like right now.

~

I love you, Eric

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Complexities

Complexities: 

the Buddha stated that he taught only two things, suffering and the end of suffering. He refused to entertain religious notions or the trappings of philosophical theories. His own teachings were pure in his devotion to end our suffering, and remain largely so today. In chapter 26 of A Course in Miracles, section 3 titled The Borderland, and the very first sentence we're told that "complexity is not of God." The Course is remarkably clear in what it offers throughout it's pages and this entire section stands out to me in poetic starkness: 

⁸The truth is simple; it is one, without an opposite. ⁹And how could strife enter in its simple presence, and bring complexity where oneness is? ¹⁰The truth makes no decisions, for there is nothing to decide between. (ACIM, T-26.III.1:8-10)

the Holy spirit gently asks that I continuously choose what is real. There's never a punishment for choosing falsely, only the consequences of my decisions. And even these are simply further lessons on forgiveness. There's no complexity here, only two thoughts systems are ever offered, love, or an entire world of opposites. 

²Teach only love, for that is what you are. (ACIM, T-6.I.13:2)

in my own recent suffering, a host of issues that offer to point me to towards the complexity of healing and individual solutions for every problem - I'm reminded of Buddha and his refusal to be sidetracked by distractions. As well I watch my own path narrow to the single choice of love. No matter what presents itself to me, whatever appears in need of healing...I choose love. 

as often as I'm able.

~

I love you, Eric

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The Real Work

The real work: 

I slept. Finally. And I had some help, a more powerful aid to cut through the anxiety and chronic inflammation that has accumulated through decades of using my body for extreme endeavors. I am not against using what A Course in Miracles calls 'magic" to help healing, and indeed, the Course doesn't say we should be - but only that we do so with the realization that it's only an illusionary fix within an unreal world.

Good alone is real.

and all true healing comes from the mind.

so now the real work begins, using the magic tool of a pill to guide my body back to an original state of healing, but only through the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The real work, and greatest joy - is in following the directive of my highest source. 

and with this in mind...

I begin to heal.

~

I love you, Eric 

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Tonight I'll Pray

Tonight I'll prayer:

so perhaps my only real writing talent is sincerity, offering a heartfelt expression from wherever I might find myself in life. Right now it's just after 12:00 and I'm straight from bed with a tight jaw, throat spasms, and anxiety. I don't know which one is the original cause and it doesn't seem to matter. I'm suffering. Quite a bit actually. Last night I slept. Tonight it's doubtful. Eventually I will probably go the emergency room, get a little help, and see what they can offer me in terms of feeling better. 

but not tonight. 

tonight I sit with the suffering, coming to term with its presence.

maybe even accepting it. 

we'll see.

tonight I'll pray.

⁶Sickness is a defense against the truth. ⁷I will accept the truth of what I am, and let my mind be wholly healed today. (ACIM, W-136.15:6-7)

Amen.

~

I love you, Eric

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Clarity

Clarity:  

well, perhaps here's the answered prayer, or at least part of it. Brought to my knees in a plea to be shown the purpose of a devastating round of sleeplessness, anxiety, and physical discomfort. so many people reached in an extended presence that can only be shown as love. My prayer was for understanding and with this I had hoped to have my suffering repurposed for a deeper meaning. But the meaning was always evident, missed through a fog discomfort, yet present to be known.

forgive,

everything.

whatever appears and seems to block love's presence is here to be forgiven, and the more extreme and personal it feels is the life-long blocks brought to surface and are now ready to be healed. I am thankful to have seen this. Grateful throughout this ongoing lesson. So much love rushed towards me that the evidence was clear - we are here to love and be loved.

indeed,

we are love.

and nothing else is real.

forgiveness is the means of seeing this. 

it brings clarity.

so even through my healing journey seems far from over -

 it's meaning is clear.

so is my purpose

thank you.

I love you.

~

I love you, Eric

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My Deepest Plea

My deepest plea: 

zero sleep, little potential of upcoming sleep, and if I gathered all  the hours of the last two weeks that I've actually rested it wouldn't amount to much more than a single night. This is my breaking point, not physically, nor emotionally either. But this last round of sleeplessness and anxiety has left me raw and vulnerable as nothing else ever has before. I'm broken open spiritually and this mean I've little to actually hold on to now, brought to my knees in a prayerful pose and ready to give my deepest plea: 

Holy Spirit please show what this is for. 

what is the purpose.

and may it teach me to heal and be healed.

amen.

~

I love you, Eric 

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