Ladder

Ladder: 

there's been times, more often than I care to state, that I slip to the bottom rung of the ladder, praying from a place of need and sense of lack. This is the beginning point offered by The Song of Prayer, a supplemental pamphlet adjustment to A Course in Miracles - our life of prayer starts with worldly requests that our needs be met, and we should definitely celebrate that we are on the ladder. The second rung begins when our prayers turun towards forgiveness, seeing through the illusion of lack and asking for the more subtle things such as peace of mind and a love-filled heart. Finally, that last rung, and no request is needed - this is an open-hearted communion, with only love received and given in a beautiful, seamless exchange. Of course this can be a sliding ladder, or it's been so with me. I've felt my toes on that top rung, however briefly, completely broke opened and filled with light. I've never stayed there though, not for very long, but it honestly feels enough right now to know that in the briefness of those moments... I touched upon eternity. 

and sometimes, again, I'm firmly planted on that bottom rung. 

yet what I realize is that I'm not even in charge of my position on this ladder, it's not a climb of achievement nor hierarchy of prayer. It's a gentle climb, and every so often I'm given a lift to a higher rung, a gift of grace and light filled view. What I find is that those lifty views are gifted so that my worldly prayers become more inspired, having a greater sense of their potential. So now, with my feet once again on ground floor, reaching for that very first rung...

I ask for grace to replace my fear.

I pray for faith,

courage.

and begin to gently climb this ladder once more.

~

I love you, Eric

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Specialness

Specialness: 

 it's a sense that I've been set apart from God in some unbelievable way that keeps me in a world of suffering, that I am somehow separate from the source of all creation. Special. And of course we all feel this specianess too, a unique body that stands above or below others in an endless scale of contrast and comparison. Perhaps most insidious of all, how my suffering keeps me in a world of my own, separate from you, a private sorrow no one else will ever really understand. 

A Course in Miracles tells us that this is all a substitute for God's love. Yes, even, or maybe especially, our suffering. Our addiction to specialness is a plight that keeps us truly alone, pitted against each other in the belief that no one really understands us, or knows our special sorrow. We all suffering in the absence of love, no one more so than any other, equal in pain and loneliness. The very thing that should join us in healing is just another belief that keeps us apart. You loneliness should call to me, breakthrough any barriers between us. But lost in my own specialness, the cherished belief that I suffer alone, your voice is lost to me, unheard, or worse, ignored. 

I'm sorry.

and that's the real breakthrough.

finally.

yet my specialness has worn thin -I hear your faint cries above my own, and those barriers between us don't seem so impenderable anymore. I'm sorry that I didn't hear you sooner. But I do now. And what I hear is your truest voice, faint, yet reaching me in greater strength as I begin to tune in. We are not special in our aloneness. That's what your your voice tells me. I know this for certain, because astonishingly enough, your truest voice is my own, not special at all, one voice in an infinite song of God.

I hear you.

finally.

and thank you.

may we continue now in song.

~

I love you, Eric

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Asana of Forgiveness

An asana of forgiveness: 

I've missed very few days of my yoga asana practice, decades of earliest morning, a quiet stretch through the long familiar terrain of my body. This has become an essential path of forgiveness for me, a mindful journey of noting the ever changing landscape of my body, and gently bringing the light of loving awareness to whatever now calls for my attention. When I was younger, even just a few years ago, I would glide through this routine with a light focus on breath and the length of time held for each posture. Older now, a slower pace, each morning truly is a journey of forgiveness, softly noting every ache from a long ago injury, discoveries of limitations that never existed before - everything is forgiven, brought to the present moment with a blessing and a smile. 

This is where I am. 

I've arrived to an asana where forgiveness is essential, letting the memory of every previous body go and simply resting in this present moment posture. 

I am not a body. I am free.

Freedom must be impossible as long as you perceive a body as yourself. ²The body is a limit. ³Who would seek for freedom in a body looks for it where it can not be found. ⁴The mind can be made free when it no longer sees itself as in a body, firmly tied to it and sheltered by its presence.

(ACIM, W-199)

~

I love you, Eric

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A Dream of Hill and Boulder

A dream of hill and boulder: 

it seems as if I'm unraveling, layers shown through forgiveness and then finally let go - and then, of course, another one revealed. This is endless work, or at least it's been so for me. But it's also quite joyous at times, finally arriving to a layer of hurt that's long been calling for my attention, bringing a tenderness to bear that just wouldn't have been possible a short time ago. 

it's healing work.

and it's also quite frightening at times. 

right now there's a layer of trust that's been slow to heal, worries that keep reappearing in multiple forms, yet always concern issues of finance, aging, and staying purposeful to the Holy Spirit's plan. I'm asked to trust at the deepest level yet, and my great fear is that I'm simply not up for the task at hand. These last few years it's often felt like I've been stripped all the way past the bone, almost down to the last layer that can be possibly healed - and then another layer makes itself known. It's turned into a sisyphean task, seemingly endless, but gaining value as I continue to heal. And yet, even as I write this now I'm being given some very specific words...

there's no boulder to push, nor steep hill to be repeatedly climbed - in fact there's no task to be performed at all. It's a dream of fear. One I still believe in deeply at times, but none the less a dream. And the only thing I'm very gently being asked to do...is to wake up. 

that's it. 

just let the dream of hills and boulders go.

dawn is already here.

~

I love you, Eric

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Lessons

Lessons:

it's not a course in bypassing, we're not asked to bury or shove our suffering aside, denial isn't part of any divine plan. In my own case, I'm certainly not completely healed from a host of issues that have plagued me through life - and yet, there's a deepening peace when any issues does come to surface, a tenderness that's present, and I find myself acting as a caregiver in a truly loving way. A Course in Miracles, and more so, the developing relationship with my internal healer, has allowed me to be an open and caring presence to all that arises, unhealed, unresloved, and calls for my attention.  

so for me,

it's been a course in healing.

forgiving.

and to bypass anything would be to miss a lesson.

All things are lessons God would have me learn.

(ACIM, W-193)

~

I love you, Eric

To read more from Headless Now, please visit: Conversation

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Conversation

Conversation: 

it's a deepening dialog, my every word given to silence and answered with the soft reply of presence - and more so than ever now my wish is to keep this conversation ongoing, relying solely on the Holy Spirit's guidance to see me through my day. This isn't just about those troubling times when it seems like there's no choice but to surrender, no, I want my every daily choice to be based on love. And of course this is what I need the most help with. Those times of distress make it easy to surrender, I recognize my great mess and immediately see the need for some divine comfort and guidance. It's the little things though that eventually get me in the most trouble, small decisions quickly made by ego that add to larger troubles later. So my practice now is having a consistent dialog with the Holy Spirit, more so in silence that actual words, setting the intention right at the instant of waking up that my entire day will be handed over to this loving presence. My first decision of the morning is that I will do my very best to make no more decisions on my own...

²Today I will make no decisions by myself. (ACIM, T-30.I.2:2 

and the conversation begins to deepen from here.

~

I love you, Eric

To read more from Headless Now, please visit: A Contemplative Life

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A Contemplative Life

A contemplative life: 

it's already a contemplative life, an opportunity for continuous meditation through my every interaction - forgiveness isn't an act of pardoning, it's zen, mindfulness at its deepest practice. There was a time when I considered monastic living, quieting my life to such a degree that I couldn't help but know myself as one with God. Of course that wasn't necessary, and in fact, would have kept me far removed from what really needed to be done. Lesson 122 of A Course in Miracles was my reintroduction to the world, reminding me that forgiveness truly offers everything I want and it's everyday life that offers me it's full value. Here's my practice, just a few steps away from my meditation cushion and life rushes at me, full of tiny mad ideas that try and prove how I've somehow separated myself from God - and yet every idea now serves as a reminder to simply look deeper, past the surface of my daily affairs, and find the light that exists just beneath the world's appearance. 

the light is always there, easier to find than ever.

it's a contemplative life.

and I'm finding God everywhere.

thank you.

~

I love you, Eric 

To read more from Headless Now, please visit: Smallest Act 

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