As Often as I'm Able

As often as I'm able: 

there's a depth to my forgiveness practice now, both deeper and more subtle than ever before. It seems everyday I'm give a bit more clarity, seeing how far I am to take this - my entire perception of the world needs to be continuously forgiven. I made this, projected a guilt stream that keeps us stuck within an illusion. And so it's my responsibility to heal it as well. 

one forgiven thought at a time.

so it's not about forgiving others or certain situations, not really, and this is where it gets subtle - I'm taking radical responsibility for the outer picture of the world, forgiving the inward condition of its cause. I'm healing the fractured mind that traps us all in a place of suffering. This isn't a grim battle of good vs. evil, and it's not a confrontation with my every thought.. It's a very gentle mindfulness practice, recognizing that the external world is simply the effect of my thoughts and therefore must be forgiven in a most sincere and loving manner. 

I choose love.

as often as I'm able.

refusing to punish my forgetfulness.

and yours as well.

until everything's forgiven.

and I have all the time in the world at my disposal.

~

I love you, Eric

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This

This:

the truth is...I don't know. I'm often asked of the horrendous stuff and if even that must be forgiven, the rape, murder, genocide, eventually arriving to questioning my own limits on forgiveness and what I might exclude from my practice. I've certainly had a blessed life in many regards, but also battled the demons of addiction, and low-self worth. Like many I've been bullied, mocked, and stripped of esteem by classmates, peers, and even trusted authority figures. Life has happened. Good stuff and bad. Is there anything left unforgiven? Yes, I'm sure there are things buried so deeply I've yet to bring to light. When, if, they arrive, I will do my best to forgive them. Eventually every shadow must dissolve to the reach of light.

as for the even bigger stuff?

again, I don't know.

and fortunately I don't have to add them to my list of worries. The Holy Spirit only asks that I be willing to forgive whatever's been placed directly before me...this, forgive this...is all I have to do right now. I like to think that as my practice of forgiveness continues to grow, expanding and extending love in all directions that everything will be included, whatever arises or arrives to me. But the truth is, I just don't know. What I do know, with certainty, is that this, my anxiety, dreaded nights of deep despair and moments left struggling for breath - that's what's place before me right now. 

and that's what I'm forgiving. 

~

I love you, Eric

To read more from Headless Now, please visit: Crossing That Bridge

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Crossing That Bridge

Crossing that bridge:

not yet a forgiven world - but my effort is sincere. This is where A Course in Miracles ask if we can imagine the beauty we'd see once everyone's forgiven. It's the real world. The Course pains an image of  a little bridge, inviting us, and requiring only a willingness to cross. Someday's I see across this bridge with such clarity, ready to step all the way over and embrace the beauty there. I'm so close. Yet sometimes too there seems to be a chasma before me, a stretch of distance that keeps me ever far away. The truth is that there really is no bridge. It's a beautiful metaphor. The only distance between here and the real world is my willingness to forgive....and that's getting smaller everyday.

~

I love you, Eric

To read more from Headless Now, please visit: Not Measured

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Not Measured

Not measured: 

of course I want to feel better, pain free in body and mind, if even by slight degrees - and yet so much of my suffering doesn't really stem from discomfort, but from measurement. How I feel right now is my return point, always coming back to the experience of the moment. No matter what it is. I don't have to like it. I'm free to judge it, seek to change it, or even deny it for a length of time. But it's always my return point - whatever it might be. 

and this is also where I heal.

if I measure any distance from this moment and hold it as my only goal then I will suffer. My return point is without comparison, it can't be measured, only accepted. The paradox is that the more I stay here, wandering and measuring less - the easier I heal. Yes, I have an objective, an end game I'd like to accomplish, and I'm willing to work towards this. But I won't sacrifice the present moment to achieve it, my only true goal is to not suffer.

and that doesn't arrive from time or distance.

it's right now.

~

I love you, Eric

To read more from Headless Now, please visit: White Noise of Friendship

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White Noise of Friendship

White noise of friendship: 

a few nights ago, in the throes of anxiety, unable to lay down for more than a minute or two, I turned to social media for just a moment of distraction. This turned out to be a fortunate decision, not doomed scrolling, but seeking the calm of familiar faces and friendships. I didn't reach out to anyone, just scanned the areas that would put me at ease a bit. Many miles away, another country actually, a friend who knows my habits well realized that this was not my usual time to be online and immediately surmised that something might be wrong and reached out to me. As I explained my situation, lying back in bed to listen to her reply, a curious thing happened - the sound of friendship, kindness, and the empathy of someone who has suffered this as well began to fade to a white noise. Her voice was calming, familiar as the background sounds of my home, and slowly the constriction of my breath, throat and mind relaxed to the point that sleep became a possibility. What my friend offered, knowingly, was presence, and she filled it with the constant reminder that she was real, softly caring, and that I could trust in her voice, not the content, to guide me home.

and it did.

white noise of friendship. 

my friend appreciates A Course in Miracles, although she isn't an avid student. She's relatively new to it's teachings. But she was open and available as an instrument of love, a vehicle for the Holy Spirit to reach me and I don't thing either one of us doubted it. A Course in Miracles is more than a book, not just a teaching for a select few to study - it's a living expression of love, a moment to the very next moment of openness and surrender to the voice for God within. My friend knew just what to do to help me, and yet she most likely would be hard pressed to explain exactly how. 

she doesn't have to.

and that's really how we practice A Course in Miracles. 

~

I love you, Eric

To read more from Headless Now, please visit: So This is My Practice

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So This is My Practice

So this is my practice:

so this is my practice, right now with a host of issues and one in particular that's demanding a great deal of my attention. My role is to forgive everything that arises, releasing the tension of distress without question or evaluating progress. To keep forgiving until...well, I guess there is no until, to just keep forgiving as long as there's a world that needs forgiveness. 

so my practice is this moment,.right now,

noticing all that arise - tension in jaw, how it shifts just enough from alignment to trigger an alarming gasp of breath, repeating throughout the night until exhaustion. There's a host of thoughts that rush forward to evaluatie danger, anxiety gathers, sometimes near panic. It often feels endless. 

so this is my practice.

or part of it.

and so I keep forgiving.

~

I love you, Eric

To read more from Headless Now, please visit: After Effects

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After Effects

After Effects:

I'm feeling slightly off this morning, behind in my usual schedule, a structure I greatly enjoy in its usual rhythm of meditation, yoga and writing. There's a bit of a struggle for words right now. I'm feeling a rush to get something on the page before I fall even further behind in my routine. And of course all of it's completely made up. There's no reason for any of this to feel as it does other than my own insistence that it be a certain way. This morning I slept in, a whole 30 minutes, much needed as an episode of anxiety kept me up the entire night before. The effects are still lingering with me now, a sense of guilt for sleeping in, that nagging feeling that I have to rush to make everything work for me today. All after Effects of anxiety. So today- the emphasis is on kindness. I'll slow down a little, give myself a break from rigid, self established routine. There's nowhere I have to be and nothing to get done. 

really, I need do nothing. 

the Holy Spirit tells me that this is so, 

and I rest in this awareness. 

content to simply be.

~

I love you,

Eric 

To read more from Headless Now, please visit: One Forgiven Moment

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