Magical

Magical: 

it's a point of ego to believe that I have control and a certain power over the aspects of my life that bring me please and the avoidance of many of life's sorrows. Seeing my life more clearly now and I know that it was this very belief that kept me trapped within a seemingly endless cycle of working hard towards building an ego that finally knew success and the failure and defeat of never measuring up to a made believe standard. It was the illusion of control asserted by the appearance of a  false sense of self, ego, magical thinking really, and it always doomed to fail. 

so I say ego, and by this I mean a total belief in an identity that was somehow separate from the very environment that was my true and only home. Ego is simply a label for this false sense of identity, neither good nor bad, but never truly in control of any situation. Ego, in this description at least, is an appearance of a self brought by endless thoughts of who I believed myself to be. It's the voice of parents, teachers, media, and even strangers who offered an opinion in their passing. They all gained a position in my held, wielded influence and control - and all the while I believed the voice was me. 

it was magical thinking.

and yet, 

there always remained a deeper voice of silence, intuitive, a magic found beyond the scope of thinking and beliefs. This was the voice of life, my only true and real self, and it was available to be heard in the moments of my surrender. Ego never really has any true power, believing so was the magical thinking that kept me trapped within its false narrative. Life was simply happening, flowing with every possibility of success and seeming failure and I was always an essential current of its flow, never separate, and never, ever in control. There is magical thinking...and there is magic. 

life is magic,

spontaneous,

beyond the sense of my control.

and this was my eventual surrender, not eliminating ego, but just letting go of the illusion of its control, no longer giving in to its every distraction and demand. My life is magical now, truly so, and not of belief, but by being entirely embraced by life's flow, and that I am a current within its endless stream of every possibility and appearance. 

magical. 

~

Peace, Eric