Darkness and Light

Darkness and light:

there's just a few days of summer left, tomorrow the temperature drop to a stretch autumn weather, rainy and cool. Once there was a time when my mood would plummet with the warmth, growing even darker as sunlit days became shorter. This wasn't seasonal depression, it was low lying and ever present - but leading into the long stretch of winter would often make it worse. 

I choose the joy of God instead of pain. (ACIM, W-190)

the above isn't offered as a cure for depression, it's a means of navigating through darkness that wasn't available to me before. I try to be very careful with this, any discussion on mental health needs to be approached with infinite tenderness and care. I haven't and don't bypass depression. But I'm aware of my own shifting inner vocabulary. I see the first hint of darkness approaching and turn to God, not in despair and a request to hide me from the storm - 

it's much softer than that.

I turn to a friend.

so the dark days still find me, not quite as often as before it seems. And my plan is simple. I give each moment that I can't handle to God, a prayerful conversation through the Holy Spirit, and again I'm not asking for a cure - God doesn't recognize the dark thoughts I bring to Him. 

He offers only light.

and even though a storm might still be present....

I see it.

and it always leads me home.

~

I love you - all the way through the storm, Eric

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But It Took Awhile

 

But it took awhile: 

this morning, according to my weather app, sunrise is at 5:41 a.m, and at least for another week or so, it will continue trending earlier, as it has for several months now. Soon though, the trend reverses and we'll lose just a few minutes each day to a darker morning. I've looked forward to these light-filled mornings all through winter, keeping track of dawn's arrival, eager for my first glimpse of a favored sunrise. I'm enjoying these last few weeks of early light, soaking up the healthy benefits of those early morning rays, and at the same time remembering that so very soon I'll be letting go...

darker mornings are once more just ahead.

and I'm perfectly fine with the slight sadness this surrender, feeling in stride with the cycle of dawn's gain and loss of light, and more so, eager to again embrace the mystery of those darker mornings. That's the paradox here, holding those opposing emotional views without any apparent contradictions within, simply accepting, accepting, and accepting. 

always. 

but it took awhile to arrive here, really, a lifetime to reach this point. 

and now, 

I just smile at all, how I once struggled to hold on to every inch of light, afraid of the soft approach of darkness and how it sneak it's way towards me. I'm unafraid of my own contradictions, that I can be the very source of light as well as a shadow event playing through my life. 

I've reach the point where everything's allowed...and amazingly, smiling now...

seeing that it always was,

all along the way. 

~

Peace, Eric

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