Touch of Light

Touch of light: 

it's been warm lately, early November and has felt much more like the first beginning of fall and not so near the start of winter. But the days are shorter now, less light for the sun's appreciation, and deep down I feel the approach of colder weather and darkness of the season's mood. I'm not limited to just a few months depression, it's not seasonal, yet winter strikes me harsh and a certain sadness seems to linger a bit longer than other times of the year, being harder for me to the coldness from my bones. So I am grateful for this touch of light, a last reach of the sun's warmth and comfort. 

I don't take this light for granted.

well, that's not entirely true, there's an assumption here on my behalf, I know that light will always somehow reach me and that's been my one true salvation. In a sense, for me at least, depression has always been seasonal and subject to the change of light. It has never paralyzed me as it has for so many others, keeping me completely in the dark, remote from others, motionless as the world passes. There's always been this hope for the return of light, and I know how blessed I am by this, that overall depression is less acute for me than it is for some others, and that to even have this hope for light is a gift that somehow keeps the worst away. I've seen how severe depression can be, darkness so bleak, not a hint of light remains, with no hope for its return at all. 

I don't take this hope for granted. 

or really, it's faith, I simply know how my inner seasons work now, there's been a lifetime of swings from darkness to light, recognizing the signs of my depression, just as same as that first hint of brown frames an early autumn leaf, there's a sense that it's presence is near, some longer days of darkness are approaching. I now take greater self-care, not to keep depression at bay, but to prepare myself for its length of stay, a reminder to have faith that light returns to me. 

I don't take this faith for granted. 

so now, winter's near, these last few days of warmth and sun have reached me, providing me with just enough hope, a bit of faith....

and I am grateful for this touch of light. 

~

Peace, Eric