Anxiety

Anxiety: 

there's been a struggle for me with anxiety for sometime now, perhaps for much of my life it's been an underlying presence, often intense and causing near panic, but mostly just a whisper that feeds my worst instincts through situations and conditions of daily living. The past several years have been difficult and have finally brought me to the point where medication has been needed. Yet still I hesitate to call this a struggle, or say that I suffer due to anxiety. It's just present, a manageable threat to certain moments of my internal equilibrium, and few people ever see its presence. Some might say that I hide it well, and yes, it's seldom evident to others, but it's not something that I try to keep from people. I don't hide it, there's no fight against it, no struggle, really - it's simply part of life, allowed as every aspect is, acknowledged for its harm if left unchecked, yet it's nothing that I refuse to recognize as belonging. 

if it's present, it belongs.

even as I wish for something other.

and of course I do wish that some aspects of my life were easier, that anxiety wasn't an issue that inhibits certain interactions with people and situations. I do the things that help and then continue with my daily living. There's an equanimity here, peace, and not because of absence of any struggle, but of acceptance to what's present, each moment, and this includes the quite often struggle to accept what's present now. It's a paradox only when it's labeled as such. For me, it self-evident, seamless. It's life. 

this was the gift of meditation, of a continuous awakening to life in every moment of its expression - everything is always changing, fluid, and none of it has to meet my expectations. I am not the one who decides what's allowed or isn't, it's not the point of my acceptance, nor denial of any given situation. Life is, and it continues to unfold regardless of my of concerns. Again this isn't blind acceptance, nor is it resignation to what life holds - I am a dynamic participant though each moment, part of life's motion and expression. I'm responsive. 

that's become the key difference, as so often anxiety forces a reaction, and sometimes this appears as an inability to deal with life's present situation. Things have shifted for me though, I won't offer an explanation as to why, and in truth I'm not really sure how it happened, or why, but only that it has and I attribute mostly due to grace. Here's the funny thing, grace does not exclude the tools of meditation, breathwork, yoga and exercise, and not even medication. 

everything belongs.

and now, through grace, and all that's included, I see myself belonging to life through it's every response - anxiety is simply what life sometimes offers me now, as well as everything I do to minimize it's harm. That's my equanimity, it's my peace. 

it's grace.

~

Love, Eric