State Of My Well Being

State of my well being: 

 many friends have reached out to touch base with me, asking how I am, two months now since my dad's passing. I'm grateful to have such friends and equally so I'm thankful to be able to consider their thoughtfulness as an inquiry into the state of my well being, to really ask myself how I am at this moment and listen to whatever arises as the answers. 

so how am I?

the answer seems to be that I don't know, and I consider this deeply, not knowing how I am, and my apparent inability to be able to offer this as an answer to others. I find myself wishing that I could put this into words beyond this easy phrase, something that captures the complexities of really, truly, not knowing how I am right now. 

but I can't, and that's simply because it's the right and only answer - how I am is in flux and every moment is open to accepting the still fresh grief of losing my father and at once celebrating his life and everything that he has given me. I am lost in sorrow, joyful too, and all within a single instant. Most often I am just quiet, reflective, allowing life to unfold at whatever pace it offers.

 I don't know how I am, can't know, and none of us really ever do. We're living, that's how we are, and this includes everything that life brings to us, from sorrow, grief, and all the way to the inexpressible joy and bliss of being alive. More so, to ask me how I am gives me pause to consider the openness that allows all of this to be, that my one and true answer to this question is that I am the open, spacious quality of life that isn't defined by easy answers, and is absolutely fine without knowing a single thing beyond the obviousness of this very moment. 

and what's obvious? 

whatever's now appearing.

and sometimes, quiet often really, what's appearing now doesn't lend itself to an easy answer, or at least not one as truthful as saying that I don't. What appears isn't so readily defined, to say that I am sad isn't entirely so, as this sadness is laced with a lifetime of love within its hold, and my honest answer would be infinite in the layers of its reply. 

to my many friends, I wish to say thank you, your concern for my well being allows me to reflective not so much on an answer, but on the moment itself, the instant of your asking. How I am is a bit of everything right now, life in its flow and I am amidst in what it offers. My state of well being is simply that - just being, a beingness that includes a certain sadness that's present with my joy. At least for this moment. 

~

Peace, Eric