Small Devastation's

we are all marked by some form of loss, each of us - and from the moment we come into the world, perhaps even well before, it's continuous, small devastation's that life offers through its course, and it seems we become somewhat immune to their notice, scarred and hardened from such an early age. It's the largeness of a loss that brings this back to focus, how fragile life is and temporariness of all we cherish and hold dear. Yet nothing prepares for a loved ones absence, always being taken too soon when our moments together are counted through the measure of love. 

I miss my father.

but also, I think of those small devastation's, losses accumulated through life, and my father had a long one, 94 years old, and so close to making it to 95, so close, yet it was his time to let go, and as always he did so with grace and final lessons to teach me. Every moment of life is a letting go of some sort, some of those small devastation's, others with a more immediate and lasting effect on our lives. Through his last few months my father lost his ability to walk unaided, his sense of independence, and so many little things that are easily taken for granted, just simple joys of motion and activities once performed with ease. His last days were filled with continuous loss, small devastation's and he never once complained, not did he suffer in absolute silence of his loss. We talked about it all, made plans for what might next happen, and worked with what was still available and present. 

he lived until his very last moment. 

of course we all do in a way, yet with my father's death every small loss was noticed, there was a length to our mourning with everything in such sharp contrast to just the previous day. There is great beauty in this mourning, of knowing loss as well as the immediacy of what we still have now. No, it's not easy, no small devastation ever is - yet we gain so much from their notice, a deep appreciation of how life still offers itself so fully even at the time of loss. This was shown to me by my mother as well, her years of slow decline through Alzheimer's, a continuous loss of her memories of a lifetime, and at once too their was an open wonder to what was available to her now, a trust in her immediate world and that she would be cared for, loved, each loss balanced by what life still offered. 

sometimes that doesn't seem enough, we want more of what we've always had, to suffer just a little less and regain a sense of ease and comfort. I make no claim that letting go is easy, not always, all I can really say is that they happen and are built through the very fabric of life. There's no escape from these small devastation's and no avoidance of the larger ones, their presence make a complete life, whole, and we are blessed with innate ability to mourn what's lost, to grieve with deep sorrow, and yet at once too we have the capacity to love and carry on, embracing life even as we suffer from the hard steps if its journey. I've had a long year of mourning, and it continues, other issues have come to surface, more small devastation's make themselves known. 

it's just what life offers.

and through it all...there's the immediacy of it's beauty, my ability to grieve what's gone, and the capacity to love all that's present now. 

I thank my parents for this lesson. 

~

Peace, Eric