Just A Few Words

Just a few words:  

tomorrow marks a year since my dad passed away, and I'm not sure that I have the right words to note this occasion, or any words really, perhaps the gloom of weather suits my thoughts and mood best and I should simply pass the day in silence. But of course I'll try and write something, even just a few words, it's what I do after all, an attempt to share what deeply moves me. 

it's been a profound loss, of course, at no age are we ever immune from the hurt of losing a parent, and these past two years have been a time of grief for so many, loved ones taken by a pandemic that swept through the elderly and those weakened from previous conditions. I think we all share a deep grief right now, expressed through different ways, some more outgoing in their re-embrace of life, and other still at a loss as to how to now proceed as if these are normal times. 

I think that's why it's important for me to write even just a few words, or at least attempting to, marking the occasion in the same manner as did for my father's care, writing of my struggle, how unprepared I was then to let go as both caregiver and a son - how unprepared I am now to proceed as if these are normal times. Yes, I've adjusted, life continues on and in many ways I've managed to used this time to be of service to others, offering my words, as well as devoting myself to teaching meditation, a tool that was vital to me during this time of grief and sadness.

and really, that's it, I've been sad.

 depression has always been an edge to my daily experience, often felt sharply, but mostly just a looming presence, a shadow that waits to greet me in certain, unguarded and unexpected moments of my life. Through the years I've learned to recognize its presence, befriend it...almost...or at least not to automatically and mindlessly push it aside whenever it approaches. This years been hard though, harder, as every moment is now unguarded, I'm broke open, vulnerable...lost. 

a long year...

so even just a few words, and here they are, written, shared, and I'm not sure of their worth, if anything really needed to be said. But it's what I do, an attempt to express and share what deeply moves me. Grief, sadness, dealing with the shadow of depression, it's all a momentary approach, I am mindful to what's present, no attempt to manipulate myself to feel anything other than what the moment holds. One year out from the death of my father, as fresh as yesterday, and right now, this moment holds his loss. But also...his presence as well, and that's what makes the difference, that I'm never quite alone as I so often feel. My grief is our connection, and when it passes, there is the joy of all he's given me. It's all present now, grief and joy, sadness, and a deep love that holds me through it. Everything is here, everything belongs, and I make no attempt for things to be other than they are. 

life continues...

and these are just a few words that deeply move me.

shared. 

~

Peace, Eric