World

the post pandemic world hasn't offered me a return, or perhaps it has and for some reason I have refuse to take it, being withdrawn now to my own particular way of living. I think of the many things lost during these past two years, my father and the role of caregiver, a small business gone, and the near countless little things that simply never returned. It just doesn't seem that there's a normalcy for me to come back to, and honestly, I've yet to truly make the effort. 

and I'm not really sure why. 

maybe it's because I would have to make an effort, it would feel forced and unnatural now, superficial, being another world that could be taken from me in an instant. I'm at scorched earth at this point, bare essence, and not looking to rebuild so much as to find my way to a completely new world. I'm ready for a quiet way of living. 

a new way of being.

of course this makes me sound reclusive, a hermit in the suburbs shying away from people. But honestly, from my perspective, it feels more engaging, selective, intimate. The people that I encounter hold a place of deep meaning for me, no ones a stranger, it seems as if the universe has conspired to bring each person to this moment and that we get to share this as an occasion of significance. Almost holy. My new world is welcoming, yet guarded too, not from others, but being more protective of my time and the rituals that have developed over the course of these last few years. 

my life if built upon the things I most truly love. 

and yes, this too will change, a different world might well intrude, or perhaps I'll be blessed with an urge to build something entirely new, opening myself to ever greater possibilities. I have no idea what might happen, but right now I'm content with this quiet way of living, there's a deep calm to my days that was absent before, and there's little wish to return to a sense of being rushed, or any hectic activities. 

there is some sadness here too, a low level mourning for all that's gone. And maybe my life is a process of coming to terms with all that''s been lost. That's most like so, but it's exactly how I find myself, and being any other way would be forced, inauthentic, and living life on the surface of any deeper meaning. 

maybe it's just a quiet life of mourning. 

and exactly what's needed/

~

Peace, Eric