Promise of Transcendence

Promise of transcendence: 

at first I was drawn to mantra meditation by the promise of transcendence, that who I was presently would somehow be transformed to a more spiritual version of myself. I was still drinking at the time, deeply lonely after the break up of a long time relationship, in need of some sort of magic in life. Meditation was that hope, or at least a more dedicated approach as I had practiced loosely various methods for several years, but nothing as any serious endeavor. 

it was the promise of transcendence, change, that drew me to this practice. 

everything changed, completely, my entire life transformed.

and nothing changed at all. 

through the course of a few years of practice I had quit drinking, a new job that I enjoyed, my writing took a consistent streak of daily creativity, joyful, and it wasn't long until I was in a new, more fulfilling relationship. I felt healthy, emotionally so, spiritually fulfilled. 

transformed. 

until divorce, and my mother's losing battle with Alzheimer's, and that my writing was stalled in a small capacity, a limited audience appreciating what I offered. I found myself on the losing end of countless other battles, but really, it was just life, how it sometimes happens to us all. At this point I was less interested in being transformed, it was enough to simply navigate life with a certain awareness to hold to, that through my meditation practice I was witness to it all, untouched by deepest sorrow, a spiritual source of unconditional love.  

which wasn't true at all. 

just a story. 

here's what eventually happened - the promise of transcendence vanished through my practice, completely on its own, my entire story let go of, surrendered to absolutely nothing at all. It was just a practice, joyful in the thought of mantra and its path through silence, free of any expectations. There was nothing to transcend, no need of my practice other than its own sake of joy. It was there at the very beginning, but I kept insisting that my own story be told, stubbornly,  still wishing to be transformed. 

there is no promise of transcendence...

everything happens now. 

completely on its own. 

~

Peace, Eric