By Degrees

By degrees: 

it doesn't feel right to call it self improvement, most especially as there's little real improvement and any sense of self is seen through as a temporary assignment to a role well played. So there's no one present that actually needs to be improved - and yet everything has changed, life seems just a bit easier by degrees, lighter somehow, as if unburdened of a weight I never knew was being carried. 

and of course, things are much the same as always. 

so let's call it self-surrender, or even better...

simply letting go. 

again, my life is easier by degrees, perhaps barely registered on a scale of self improvement. My issues are still present, some large and others reduced to seldom being noticed. Honestly, I couldn't really say what's better or how things have exactly changed for better. There's just no measurement here, my actions aren't given towards a goal of judgement, not even in regard to the benefits I might have been initially seeking when I began their practice. Meditation is an example, started decades ago in the hope that at the very least I would be a more efficient, happier person, and at best, ultimately, I would be enlightened. Maybe some of that has been realized, I'm certainly happier, and it wouldn't take much to be more efficient than I was back then, being a heavy drinker and lost in the fantasy that was worthless as a person. Meditation changed me, yet it wasn't by my own effort, it wasn't self improvement in any possible way - and I have no way to possibly describe it, little desire to actually try, as I meditated...

everything changed.

easier by degrees.

same with yoga, breathwork, some forms of self-inquiry, all things I practice, but no longer with a goal in mind, they're not an endeavor embarked on for transformation, although I've been transformed. Just not the way I would have imagined so long before, back when I was so hopeful that I could be a better man, improved upon in every measure. 

that person is actually gone.

really, he never existed at all. 

there was  only the myth of self improvement.

but no self. 

or at least not a singular one, there was no lasting persona that survived the decades of deep silence found through meditation, disappearing in a long stretch of an asana, with only the breath sweeping through the body, not even a witness to observe its motion. From very first sitting and asana, no self exists that has ever been improved, no self that has lasted to this day - although everything has changed, subtle, somehow...

by degrees.

with no true, or lasting self, having been involved.

~

Peace, Eric 

~

Peace

About Purpose

About purpose: 

it feels a bit odd for me to even consider writing about purpose, that after having spent much of my life doubtful that I would ever reach the point of feeling accomplished and assured of who I am, and to now believe that I  have anything of value to say on the subject - leaves me feeling slightly incongruent. 

of course that's precisely why my insights matter,

to me, at least.

here's what I know about purpose, mine - it has nothing to do with career or family, there's no grand assignment issued forth from that stars as to what I'm meant to be. I don't believe that there's a divine plan for me to follow that leads to anything of value. All of this might be true for others, and I'm filled with happiness knowing that their lives have had this meaning. Yet none of this is their real purpose, it's not the reason they're alive, as if existing to fulfill these certain goals and checkpoints of what's considered a well lived life. No, there's a singular purpose here, just one reason to exist...

for me, at least.

and that's to be alive.

really, it's that simple, my purpose so easily fulfilled. I am life, fully divine by virtue of appearance, and even if existing solely by chance the universe must have been aligned a certain way for my arrival. Any slight shift of ocean tides, or the arrangement of stars and I might not exist at all. 

about purpose, and here's what I know - 

I find no reason to be alive aside from the experience of being life itself, that my true and only purpose was immediately revealed in the exact instant of my arrival, or maybe even long before. Perhaps my only real purpose is to be astonished by existence, all of it, every aspect that conspires for me to be alive, aware, and able to give such deep appreciate that it's so. I see that done of this is based on accomplishment, there was no effort involved for this achievement, not from me. I'm a product of some continuous purpose of the universe at large, meaningful by virtue of grace and appearance. 

divine by my very nature. 

that's all the assurance that I need.

~

Peace, Eric 

Earliest Notes

it's fleeting for me, I will usually just catch their earliest notes before the morning air begins to fill with sound and I have to distinguish their songs from the slow rush of noise that reaches me. I'm up at 4:00 a.m, an important ritual for me, to wake and meditate in this quietest hour, met only by the dawn chorus of songbirds to greet me.

somehow, 

it seems that even these earliest notes seem to belong to the silence of the morning. 

and that's the true nature of silence, in its deepest sense, that it's not really the absence of sound, but more truly it's the ever present backdrop of reality that allows for vibrations to be heard as an expression of the world. Even the most grating and continuous noise has silence as its home, and to listen closely, mindfully, with bare attention given to its presence - I return to the point where silence seems to break its hold and sounds emerge to the waiting judgement of my mind. It's then that I give labels to what's heard, thinking of the loveliness of dawn chorus, or the annoyance of that first blare of television as someone turns it on only for the habit of its distraction. 

yet silence itself is impartial to every sound.

and this, being the backdrop of reality.

so, I'm already impartial too, dawn chorus no different than blaring noise of television. Or at least so by deepest reality. But there's a preference here as well, just as true as the impartial nature of reality - and my own backdrop of silence gives deep appreciation to songbirds and their earliest notes, dawn chorus, causing the least ripple of vibrations to emerge, and that the scape of silence seems to part with greater pleasure as it allows these sounds to be heard. 

more than likely it's my imagination.

but I wake every morning, 4;00 a.m to catch those earliest notes of dawn chorus...

just to be sure. 

~

Peace, Eric 

Mantra Meditation

Mantra meditation: 

this mantra meditation isn't based on concentration or mindfulness, they're just not needed here, or at least not with each repetition of a sound that's used entirely for the quality of its vibration, sinking me ever more deeply between thoughts to a natural silence found. Using any force in this manner would break the hold of the mantra's seduction, interrupting the easy work of sound and vibration, drawing me towards an ever greater effort of the mind. 

it would be the opposite of the grace of being...

which happens completely on its own.

mantra meditation relies on vibrations, a sound that occupies the mind and allows me to fall effortlessly between whatever thoughts might flutter by, not demanding an empty slate, but simply recognizing the clear sky nature of reality, that everything's able to pass through unhindered by a lasting hold. What mantra meditation offers is a moment in the gap, and once glimpsed I find it easier to fall within that timeless point of being, carried there by the mantra's vibration. 

with little effort needed. 

this isn't about awakening, nor preparing myself to enter a higher state of consciousness. Those things too might happen entirely on their own. What I'm doing here, mantra meditation, is relaxing in the grace of what I most truly am - the easiness of being myself, an aspect of the world at large, clear and open by my very nature. There's nothing to concentrate on, no point of contemplation, I'm already mindful by virtue of the grace that's found. 

beingness. 

with this it's seen, clearly so, that there's never been any effort of my own, everything has always happened on its own. My heart beats through some divine will of the nervous system, each organ functioning on the higher power of the body as a whole, thoughts occur without my conscious demand and just as quietly disappear. Even the particles of my existence have gathered through their own spontaneous agreement. None of this is from my effort, there's no requirement of concentration nor any force of action involved. Mantra meditation is my point of reference just before my every need of reference is instantly let go - being surrendered to the emptiness of pure awareness, this capacity that vibrates to the easy sound of my mantra, and yet still retains the highest quality of deep silence. 

the mantra,most truly, 

is the sound of simply being

~

Peace, Eric 

Songbirds

Songbirds: 

they've come to be a constant and now most favored companions on my sunrise walks, even if only by sound alone on some occasions -  I am always offered a song no matter the conditions of the morning. Songbirds are consistent, having a musical note that must be played, an expression of their soul that's issued forth to meet the air. 

they provide a soundtrack to my earliest mornings. 

and not just as I'm walking, my meditation practice, pre-dawn, is deepened by their songs. Scientist call this the dawn chorus, a 4:00 a.m ritual that matches perfectly my time of sitting, their songs seemingly synchronized to be a mantra played in harmony with my own, leading me deeper still to a silence found between each note. After meditation, enjoying my coffee and waiting for words to stir my inspiration for my morning writing - their songs continue, joined now by later rising birds, dawn chorus grown to a symphony sound. 

they never fail in song or inspiration.

I have favorites, by site and by song, but never for very long, their music and the beauty of their appearance fill me with too much joy to favor one above another for very long. It's better said that my favorite is the one who's song I'm hearing now, or for some reason plays with great significance in the moment that it's heard. Songbirds seem to have an uncanny ability to match my mood, being intuitive in song, offering just the perfect note to cause a sense of deep reflection, allowing me to bear witness to my own interior soundtrack of thoughts playing through my mind, as if offering an inquiry as to who it is that's truly listening to their song. 

and silence almost always follows. 

but mostly there's joy, it's that songbirds appear and give notes to the air without concern for mood or conditions, committed fully to their songs, artist simply by virtue of their nature. Songbirds show up with the courage of their authentic voice, their true song, and give if away freely, unconcerned of audience or if there's even anyone present to hear. 

it's always just about the song. 

~

Peace, Eric 

What I Most Want

What I most want: 

what I most want is a moment to myself of pure creativity, waking early to prepare for time at my desk, meditation, yoga, coffee at hand - and then my wish is to be a channel, open to whatever words that wish to find me. That's how I start my day, every morning, and it's not so much to support a goal as it is to allow my authentic voice to speak before it's filled by the noise of the world, news, media and its incessant voice demeaning my attention.  

what I most want is for this moment to be my own.

and write from the silence that is found here.

my writing is beyond judgement, even my own. It's completely selfish, not meant to make a point or offer anything of value aside from the joy I find in its expression. Writing is my gift, and I don't mean by talent, but of simply allowing myself the pleasure of words and their proper arrangement on the page, What I most want is to be struck by beauty, just one line that lights me with a smile of recognition - that this, these few words, came from somewhere far beyond my current place of mind, a point of deep silence just slightly caressed by the breath of inspiration. 

it's here, from where beautiful words arrive, this interior silence of the mind.

so what I most want, really can't be told, it's not words, nor even the creativity of their arrangement - it's that point of deep silence and then that slight breath of inspiration, arriving as a whisper so soft as to not be heard by ears, but registered more truly as vibrations, felt by the soul and only then translated into the form of beautiful words. 

what I most want, deeply so...is that soft moment of recognition,

as silence shows itself as the seamless hold of words.

~

Peace, Eric 

A Quiet Revolution

A quiet revolution: 

it's the most transformational of prayers, an interior technology by design it seems, the prayer of Saint Francis offers deep wisdom that's absorbed by the soul and brought active to our lives. My first committed meditation practice was Passage Meditation, a contemplative method as advocated by Eknath Easwaran, an Indian scholar of English Literature teaching at Berkeley. He recommend memorizing a passage from a rich spiritual source and using that as the focus for training the mind, developing concentration and one-pointed attention, but more, absorbing the words deeply to the point that their wisdom becomes displayed through our daily actions. It's a beautiful method of meditation, and the words he first offers for this practice is the Prayer of Saint Francis. 

what I love about this is the promise of transformation, not by effort or a plan of self realization, but simply having these words absorbed so deeply that they're an actual expression of who we most truly are. Really, it seems we're not transformed so much as we are revealed, our inner light brought to surface and now allowed to shine to the world. I believe other forms of meditation offer this as well, but Passage Meditation is specific to this purpose and the Prayer of Saint Francis is a powerful tool for this design, a means of reaching a deep and meaningful silence that reveals the highest qualities of who we are. Even the first few words, asking to be made an instrument of peace, seem vital to these times, and if quietly absorbed, are enough to cause a lasting transformation. 

here's the real gift of meditation, or at least how it applies to how we relate to others, our relationships, both most intimate and the ones of a casual nature - with practice, we begin to see through our stories, no longer held captive by beliefs that we've inherited from others, we gain a sense of true freedom through the deep silence of our practice. And it seems that we're in desperate need of this silence, that some type of transformation must occur for us to find a peaceful world. Something needs to reach across the tight boundaries of our opinions and beliefs, the rigid systems of politics and religion. So what's called for then is a quiet revolution, an inner transformation that changes the way we see the world. Meditation is a tool for this to transformation, a means for this quiet revolution to unfold, one way, not the only, but it's our personal beginning for such a change to actually happen. 

is this change truly possible? 

I don't know, my own life has undergone a quiet revolution, how I see the world has changed dramatically, my stories and beliefs are held more lightly now, and I'm less reactive to their being challenged. It's a start, I'm beginning to be the change I wish to see in the world. 

it's my own quiet revolution. 

~

Peace, Eric