Four Years Ago

Four years ago: 

four years ago today my father came home from the hospital for the last time, hospice care in place, and I settled in for what I thought would be several months of continued care-giving on my part. He passed away later that evening with me by his side. There was a lot that left me that day, my father, and the sense of purpose he gave me as a son and caregiver. 

I miss him.

my life has been a series of continuous loss over the course of these last few years. Some losses have been small, although affecting the overall quality of my days, others, have actually equaled the loss of my father. Maybe that's life at 60, continuous loss of all the things we've already wanted to hold to. A Course in miracles reminds me that loss is a misperception of reality, that nothing real can ever be truly taken, and that my role, especially at 60, is that I am to look deeper now to see that which remains. These are my years of trust, ultimately so, and my view can't solely be placed on the things that change. I am to look for the eternal now. 

I just never thought it would be so difficult. 

or hurt so deeply.

and yet,

there is light here too, there is the presence of the eternal, and it's becoming more real to me with each passing day. My trust is growing, inches at a time it seems, and the deep hurt reminds me of how tight my grip remains, but the light lengthens further still, showing me the way beyond this sense of loss. I miss my father. I mourn the ending of relationships. I wish certain things were easier. for me. Mostly though, I am so grateful for that light, the eternal, and how it's growing as presence. I see that life at 60 has brought me here, not through loss, but by recognition of that which remains - love.

four years ago it seemed I lost something vital.

today,

there is the eternal.

there's light.

and there...I find the presence of my father,

~

I love you, Eric

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Thank you.